Category Archives: self-centered

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Decisions = Consequences

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Decisions are an everyday part of life. And every decision results in a consequence of some kind, good or bad.  If I decide to turn off my alarm and sleep an extra 30 minutes, the consequences are rushing to get ready for my day and leaving the house a later than usual.  For every 5 minutes later that I enter the freeway, I reap an additional 10 minutes in Houston traffic.  Was that extra sleep really worth the added stress to my day and drive?  Honestly, it depends on the day.  But, usually, I regret that decision to stay in bed.  And yet, I have this conversation with myself every single morning.

We all make decisions. We decide to do the dishes tonight or wait until later.  In school, it was when (or maybe if) I would study for a test or do my homework.  Every interaction with others begs a decision:  will I be kind and respectful, distant and unattached, or pushy and rude? Sometimes a decision to NOT decide becomes your decision by forcing another to make the call.  At least that way, I have plausible deniability, right? It’s not really my responsibility, because YOU decided this one.  Why is making a decision so daunting at times?  Even when it’s a “good” decision, we seem to fear the consequences of our very actions.  Why?

Maybe this is what we fear: ME.  My “personal preference meter” isn’t a very reliable source for making decisions.  When MY happiness, MY comfort becomes more important than how it affects the ones that depend upon and trust me, the consequences may be difficult to live with on a long term basis.  Our society has become more and more focused on doing what is makes “me” happy as the optimal decision bias.  Even though reality proves that the “happiness” is fleeting and this temporary enjoyment could very likely lead to long term misery.

We’ve seen evidence of this all throughout the Bible: Eve chose to eat the apple;  Abraham had a son with Hagar;  David gave into his desire for another man’s wife with Bathsheba.  There are examples in our lives every day:  telling the “white” lie to cover-up; condoning gossip and back-biting in order to be accepted; sneaking around outside of your marriage to get some “excitement”.  We have come to believe the absolute lie that we deserve happiness.  Truthfully, no one deserves happiness.  Happiness is a daily choice, NOT a destination.  You can chase happiness, but you will not find it.  And when our decisions are based on finding happiness, the consequences will be empty and quite often painful.

So, in this carnival we call life, when we choose all the fun and exciting regardless of personal morals or conscience, consequences can be overwhelming. Much like too much time on the Tilt-a-Whirl you are left off-balance, dizzy and maybe a little ill.  When the excitement wears off and the happiness is no longer palpable, guilt moves in to fill the void.  You can’t go back and undo your actions or unsay the words.  You can only live within this moment.  Eve chose the apple and mankind would forever have sin in our lives.  The consequences of Abraham’s choice to have a son with Hagar are still being played out in our world.  In an attempt to cover up his wrong decision, David would go on to commit murder and saw his own son eventually turn against him.  But, in each case, these people continued to seek God.  They were now on a different path in life and God would use them anyway.

We’ve all heard the saying “You made your bed, now lie in it.” The consequences will be there, even after forgiveness.  We must choose to make better choices and decisions.  Decide to move forward toward God’s will and plan for your life regardless of the current situation.  Avoid getting caught up in the endless whirlwind of running toward the next “ME” moment.  Accept the consequences and work through them.  Look out for those who depend upon you and put their needs first.  Make the decision to be happy today, where you are, even if you can’t understand how that could possibly happen.  You won’t make an instant difference, but you will invest in the future.

Consequences, both good and bad are what we reap. Make your harvest one of which you are proud.

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“Well, you’ve made your bed – now lie in it; you wanted your own way – now, how do you like it?” Proverbs 1:31  MSG

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Purple Eye Shadow

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Today, I decided to wear purple eye shadow. As I was applying it, I thought about my first purple eye shadow.  I was in Junior High School.  My normal go-to make-up was pretty simple:  Avon cream shadow (usually in frosted shades) and mascara.  I was just beginning my forays into the world of Maybelline and powdered eye shadows.  My mother received a box of samples and included in that box was a Charles of the Ritz eye shadow in a dazzling shade or purple.  She gave it to me and I was thrilled.  It became my favorite shadow.  There was one small issue, however.  When I wore it, my eye-lids would swell.  But, it was such a pretty color, I just HAD to wear it, puffy eyes or not.  Eventually, I did have to stop using it and that was a sad day for me.  I kept that little sample, and looked at it on occasion. purple

I wondered if I would ever find a purple eye shadow in such lovely shade ever again. What if all purple shadows caused the same problem? Should I stop searching for purple eye shadow and just stick with the normal beige and taupe colors?  Obviously, I didn’t eliminate all purple eye-shadows from my makeup selection.  I have several of them in various shades, both cream and powder.  I have purple eye-liners and lipstick and I’ve even used purple mascara.  The only allergic reaction I’ve ever had was to that Charles of the Ritz purple eye shadow.  I’m glad I didn’t write off all purple shadows because of one failure.

How many times, do we dismiss all possibilities because of one failure, one miss-step? None of us enjoy failing.  I go out of my way to avoid failure or even looking silly.  But, what have I missed because I didn’t give something or someone a 2nd or even a 3rd shot?  It took many, many attempts before I learned to appreciate the taste of coffee.  I didn’t think I would ever try sushi, much less like it.  I didn’t give up driving after my first wreck, and I didn’t quit school the first time I scored less than a perfect grade.  I’ve discovered that much of life’s great joys are found after trying and failing and trying again.

I love Habakkuk 3:19: “The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places.” I fell in love with this verse after I read Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.  It was through reading this book that I learned that I’m not expected to be perfect.  I will fail.  I will stumble.  But, I must continue the journey.  My strength comes from my Lord God as I MOVE forward.  He will help and guide me.  And, He will love me even when I fail, even when I whine, even when I give up.

We live in a society that doesn’t forgive. Our world is the first to stand up and point fingers at any failure whether it is real or perceived.  The penalties for a lapse in judgment or a moment of weakness can be extremely harsh. The failure becomes a cancer that grows and outweighs anything else in a person’s life story.  Nothing else can be seen.  Only the ugly is magnified and discussed at length.  Any attempt to bring balance to the situation is viewed as out-and-out disagreement and the mob mentality widens the target to attack anyone that does not “toe the line”.

Sometimes, I just have to laugh. What other option is there?  People living in the big extravagant homes, driving the gas guzzling vehicles are often the very ones talking about waste and over-spending.  The first ones to complain about lack of leadership are the last to volunteer to pick up the slack unless they can pick where and how they get to so.  I’ve come to realize that the loudest voice usually has the least effect on positive change these days.  Too often the “activist” is just the passive/aggressive bully that gets everyone else to do the work and only wants the credit.

So, I will do my best. I will attempt new things and retry some old things.  I will continue the journey, treat others in the manner in which I would like to treated and trust that God will lead me to my destination.  All while wearing the perfect shade of purple eye shadow.

 

Unknown's avatar

Words

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“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”   A common rhyme I’ve heard many times.  The rhyme was usually said as an encouragement to ignore any name calling or mean taunts that were said by others in an attempt to hurt one’s feelings.  But, as we all have learned, words can be very hurtful.  The sting of a careless (or premeditated) comment can stay with a person for a lifetime.

I’ve always been astounded at couples that say they are “in love”, but insist on taking unkind and often rude shots at the object of their love. If my husband or boy-friend were to call me a “lazy, fat-a$$”, I would have to reconsider EVER speaking to him again.  Yet, I’ve heard this very phrase used several times in the past year between several young couples.  I have come to accept that words like this are indicative of the maturity of the individuals involved.  Immaturity breeds discomfort as well as a need to be “in-charge” of situations or relationships.  Using negative words are just one way to exhibit strength in a relationship:  they say  “I am the boss of my life!”  The negative comments are on the same level as an animal marking his/her territory.  If one is confronted concerning the negative talk, the response is often “Oh, I was just joking” or even worse, denial.

I have been guilty of using sarcasm as a passive/aggressive way of attacking others.  After all, sarcasm is just joking around, right?  Sarcasm is defined as:

the use of irony to mock or convey contempt

After being confronted with the definition, I realized that I did use sarcasm to  get my message across in an “innocent” manner.  If we are all honest, most of the humorous moments or jokes that we share at another’s expense have a basis in truth.  We usually have an agenda or a reason for poking fun at or making rude comments to our loved one.   Ephesians 4:29 TLB says:

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”

There is nothing better than having a kind and thoughtful partner in life.  Someone who “has your back” at all times.  This is the one person you can always trust to treat you with respect and consideration.  We all need laughter in our lives.  (FYI:  Dry humor does not have to be mean or sarcastic.) By watching what we say to and about our loved ones, we prove our love.  That’s not to say there will not be misunderstandings or hurt feelings along the way.  But, if I know that my husband is my biggest protector, it’s easier to cut some slack and forgive the occasional miss-step.

So, here’s the challenge:  watch what your say.  For the next 30 days, make a concerted effort to say only kind and uplifting things to your friends and family.   Be aware of what you say to everyone around you.  Consider the tone of your voice as well as your words. Before any comment escapes your lips, use this filter:  “Will my comment/joke hurt anyone’s feelings?”    Listen when others are concerned about what you’ve said or how you’ve said it.  They may have heard more truth  than you intended to convey.

sticksandstones

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Commitment or Happiness: Do I Have to Choose?

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Our pastor and his wife, Kenny and Valerie Dean, talked yesterday about marriage. Central in there discussion was how hard marriage can be. I don’t think it matters how “in love” you are with your spouse, there are times you just want to quit and walk away. All through the Bible, marriage is used to show how much God loves us.

“God spoke: “Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature So they can be responsible for the fish in the sea, the birds in the air, the cattle, And, yes, Earth itself, and every animal that moves on the face of Earth.” God created human beings; he created them godlike, Reflecting God’s nature. He created them male and female. God blessed them: “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge! Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air, for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth.”
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭1:26-28‬ ‭MSG‬‬

“No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5:29-33‬ ‭MSG‬‬

As I considered yesterday’s message, i understood that people often treat their marriage the same way they treat God. We expect our marriages (and God) to be exactly what we want: all fun and happiness with no rough spots. Life is a beautiful rose garden with a fairy-God granting our every wish. However, it doesn’t take long to learn that the roses have thorns. God loves us, but He loves us through the trials. It’s only through the struggles that we learn trust and commitment. When marriage is all about what makes ME happy, the rough spots are inevitable. By loving my spouse IN SPITE of my feelings, I learn what true love is.

In our fast food, microwave culture, we have forgotten how to wait. If things don’t turn out the way we want, we find another option. We don’t have the patience to wait on God, so we stick around just long enough to glimpse the truth and then jump to something else. When I’m not happy in my marriage, I find other ways to get pleasure. The divorce rate in our country is indicative of this. If I hear one more person say “I deserve to be happy” I will scream! That’s a lie. Happiness is a decision not a right.

Time and time again we see evidence of the messes we make trying to “help God”. The unrest in the Middle East has its origins in such a debacle. Sarah helped God by giving her servant to Abraham. Ishmael was born the result. Sarah was mad when Hagar became pregnant and abused her. Hagar ran away to die.

“The angel of GOD said, “Go back to your mistress. Put up with her abuse.” He continued, “I’m going to give you a big family, children past counting. From this pregnancy, you’ll get a son: Name him Ishmael; for GOD heard you, GOD answered you. He’ll be a bucking bronco of a man, a real fighter, fighting and being fought, Always stirring up trouble, always at odds with his family.””
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭16:9-12‬ ‭MSG

How many times do we cause issues because we aren’t willing to wait? We jump from one partner to another trying to find love and happiness. We cheat and take what we want and then wonder why there is suspicion and heartache in our relationships. Sexual promiscuity is acceptable and dangerous. You have no idea what you will be exposed to in a single moment of pleasure. When you have convinced yourself that variety in partners helps you to grow into a better lover, you rob yourself of a truly intimate relationship.

“There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭6:16-20‬ ‭MSG‬‬

I serve a jealous God.

“You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.”
‭‭Exodus‬ ‭34:14‬ ‭NLT‬‬

If my marriage is to be a picture of a my relationship with God, then I cannot venture outside of my marriage to find happiness. My joy and my happiness will be realized through serving God and loving my husband regardless of what’s going on in our lives. Through the good times and the bad, through the fun and the sadness, I will honor my marriage vows. I will honor my God.

. . . “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”
‭‭Ruth‬ ‭1:16-17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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SHHHHH!

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secrets

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.

Luke 12: 2-3 NIV

When I was a child, I was ready to make my profession of faith and to join the local church.  There was just one problem:  confessing my sins.  I knew that in order to be forgiven and saved, I had to confess my sins.  I also knew when you joined my church, you had to fill out a card before being presented for membership and baptism.  In my mind, the two things were combined.  I expected to have to list my sins on that card.  As a 9-year-old, I didn’t have a lot of sins to confess.  However, my mother was the church clerk.  And the idea of writing down everything for her to read was too much for me.  I was not ready to tell my mom everything!

I think most of us are very comfortable with our lives, past and present, as long as we can keep certain things hidden.  While there may not be huge and terrible secrets in our past, there are usually secrets.   Life might be a bit uncomfortable if the secrets were uncovered.  In our community, we have seen the effects of uncovering the past for all to view.  Few of us would want to be judged by the actions we demonstrated as adolescents or teenagers.  I look back at my attitudes and actions as a know-it all young adult and so grateful that I’ve grown beyond those.

Very few of us intend to have secrets.  Those actions have a way of sneaking up on us.  You “test the water” and you don’t get into immediate trouble and there’s a minimum of guilt, maybe even a little bit of excitement.  The next time you venture a little further  and then a little further.  We believe the lies that it won’t hurt us, or God would want us to have fun, or we just DESERVE to be happy.  Much like Eve when she listened to the serpent twist what God said, we just touch the apple.   When we don’t drop dead, we go further.  Then, to make our secret even better, we share with others and encourage them to join us.  And one thing piles on top of another until we are hiding, afraid of the consequences.

Secrets are often used as weapons for revenge.  Gossips adore secrets and the failures they often hide.  Instead of confessing and moving forward, we cower  and avoid the very people who should and could help us move forward.  Because we have heard and maybe participated in gossip, we fear being the newest topic.  We cringe at the realization that others will take great joy in our pain.

King David of the Old Testament is an example of having all laid bare.  He was chosen to be king as a teen.  David’s youth and exuberance made him popular and caused King Saul to want to kill him.   All through the scriptures, we are able to see David’s victories.  But, we are also privy to many of his failings.  David committed adultery.  And his attempts to keep that a secret led to the death of Uriah.  I have to wonder,  how many people put the pieces together after he took Bathsheba as his wife?  Were there whispers?  When Absalom decided to take his father’s kingdom, did David’s dirty laundry get bandied about and discussed?

I would challenge you to sit down and make a list of every thing in your life that “might” be an issue.  Can you remember every detail from your earliest years?  Are you willing to discuss these items with those that you love?  It’s not an easy challenge and this kind of transparency can be emotionally charged especially if you thing some things are better kept silent.  What secrets are you hiding?   Is your secret the very act of gossip?  Can you admit to yourself that you are one of the “concerned” individuals that feels the need to share new information at the expense of a brother or sister in Christ?

My nine-year old sins were not huge.  I had lied to my mother about some vaccinations that were given at school when I was a first grader.  I had thrown a fit and the nurse had given up getting me to take my smallpox and polio vaccines.  My teacher had told me to be sure and tell my mom.  I was not about to tell my mom.  She would take me to the clinic and have them give me those shots immediately!  When all my other friends had scabs on their arms from their vaccine, Mother did find out about the smallpox vaccination.  She asked me if that was all I had missed and I told her yes.  And, we had to go to the clinic TWICE before my smallpox vaccine took.  And, 3 years later, I still didn’t want to admit my lie.  It ate at me.  Not the lie itself, but the consequences if my mother found out.  What a relief when I found out that only my name, address and birthday were filled in on that little card.  Did my mom ever find out about the missed polio vaccination?  I don’t know for sure.  But, I know that hiding it was not a good decision on my part.

Is there something in your past that you just don’t want to face?

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Struggles

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I have begun and stopped at least a dozen posts.  There’s so much I want to say, but the thoughts seem incomplete and unimportant.  I struggle with what to say, what to share.  I see so much around me, both good and not so good.  But, putting the words around those moments has proven difficult.

I watch friendships that come and go for so many reasons.  I don’t think all relationships are meant to last forever. There are some people that come into our lives for a season and then we move on in different directions.  What I’m seeing, though, are relationships that are coming apart because there are so many conditions that are set forth.  The most common condition:   “I can’t spend time with you if he/she will be there”  or the more definitive “You have to choose, it’s me or him/her.”  But the most interesting spin on these conditional friendships is that the conditions are usually not reciprocal.  The same person that forces the choice also requires unconditional acceptance of all of his/her own relationships.

I see snap judgments made with very little knowledge of the circumstances.  It’s easy to jump to the obvious conclusions.  It’s much harder to look through the  details and find out the circumstances that surrounded the event or person.  Not all information that is provided through the news or social media is complete or even correct.  I remind myself that a cup of salt and a cup of sugar look a lot alike, but they impart very different results.  It’s time to stop assuming everything is at face value and look deeper.

I realize how easy it is to forgive and forget a “pet” sin.  Adultery, promiscuity, little white lies, petty theft are easily excused and often expected by the majority of the population.  But, make a mistake or forget something that is involved with one the “causes of the day” and expect be hung out to dry.  Political correctness, bullying, gun control are all examples of causes that get a lot of attention very quickly.  One misstep and you are toast.

I mourn the loss of discipline in the home and schools.  Where are the strong parents that created strong homes to provide the framework for successful children?  Instead, we have given rise to the “helicopter” parent that is just trying to force the schools and society to adapt to “MY CHILD”.  Where is the discipline in schools that commanded respect? It has been eroded away, bit by bit, by the parents who see no wrong in their own special and perfect hell raiser and the leadership that is afraid of repercussions.

I’m exhausted by the total obsession with “me, myself and I” that surrounds us.  All of the above would be remedied by taking time to look around and try to understand.  But, I can’t see others if I’m focused on me.  Am I a cup of sugar or a cup of salt?  How will I affect the recipe of life around me?

 

Unknown's avatar

A Prayer for my Children

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As a mom, I have felt the joy and the pain of watching my children succeed, fail, love, mourn, laugh and cry.  I gave birth to and reared G & Z.  We’ve been through so much together:  great successes in school sports and music, spiritual awakening and growth, &  the death of their father.  I’m also privileged to have  three “gift with purchase” kids (K, R & J) that came with my second marriage.  I have known these three most of their lives, so I have seen them cope with many of life’s challenges as  well.  I also have a beautiful daughter-in-love (L) as well as a handsome grandson (JT).  I’ve had the privilege of “mothering” a “daughter-in-my-heart” (KM) that I have loved as my own for many years as she dealt with growing up after the death of her mom.  And, soon, we add another to the family as K & A are wed this fall.

One of the most difficult things I’ve had to learn through the years, is I can’t control everything that happens to my kids.  The good or the bad, it’s coming regardless of what I do.  I can warn and encourage, but ultimately, the decisions are their own.  These are the things I pray for my children:

  1.  Have the courage to be yourself.  You don’t have to remake  yourself to fit someone else’s ideals and you don’t need to bully your way through life.  You are special just the way you are.  Be confident in the abilities that God has given you and use them to build relationships, both professional and personal.  You don’t need to be part of a couple to be complete.  Value your independence and develop your whole being.
  2. Be content where God has you, but prepared to move forward in His timing.  It’s hard to be patient and wait for the right relationship or the best job to open up for you.  Do your best in all things.  Never stop working and improving yourself.  But, don’t try to handle things all on your own.  Remember that God has a plan for you and it’s all in his timing.
  3. If you commit yourself to another in marriage, remember you are in this for life.  Relationships are difficult at best.  It’s easy to take short-cuts and our world excuses and often encourages the failure of marriage.  Love your partner completely.  And by that I mean, always look out for whats best for him/her.  Your own wants should come in second.  Marriage is not about control.  It’s a partnership.  Loving someone doesn’t give you the authority to order them around.  Nor does love allow you to scream and call names to get your own way.  There will be disagreements in any relationship.  Don’t allow arguments to escalate into screaming matches.  Love fully and completely without selfish manipulation.
  4. Protect the intimacy that was designed to be shared with your spouse.  Beware of society’s bad advice.  Love is NOT just about sex and desire.  Sex should not be an automatic part of dating.  Sex should remain special not common place.  Girls, learn to protect the men in your life by dressing with modesty.  Boys, look out for the women you love and don’t promise love when you just desire the physical.  Love yourself enough to protect yourself, body & soul.
  5. Build lasting relationships.  Friends are important in life.  Find and cultivate relationships that challenge you to grow and mature.  In a marriage, friendship is essential.  The fires of passion may have spurred you into marriage.  Be assured that those fires will cool.   But, as you develop your relationship in other ways, the flames of true and lasting love will be stoked and burn even more brightly.
  6. If you choose to marry, don’t settle.  Many of those “cute” characteristics that you find so endearing and attractive today, will drive you crazy later.  You may try to overlook irritants and decide you can change them later.  Please hear me:  THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN!  You do not marry someone to change them.  You adjust to and for the person you marry.  Marry the person you can’t imagine living without, not the one you think you can live with.
  7.  Be aware of everything you say and do. Learn to filter what you say so you don’t offend.   And then FORGIVE, FORGIVE, FORGIVE.   Practiving “forgive and forget” is incredibly hard.   Make forgiveness a part of your everyday life.  Don’t hesitate to ask for it or to give it.
  8. Never stop building your relationship with God.  When you are at peace with God, you will be a better friend and/or spouse.  Make the effort to spend time with other believers.   If Sunday’s are your only day to sleep late and you just CANNOT give that up, there are other opportunities to grow your faith.  Cultivate time with God.  If you would get up early to go tail-gating, there’s not excuse for not getting up for church.  Don’t fall into the habit of “saying a little prayer and crossing your fingers” to get what you want.  God is not an awesome “Santa Claus” that provides whatever you want,  He is, however, the authority on all the things that occur in our lives.  The low times are much easier to confront and navigate when we’ve included God  in the good times.

Life can be wonderful and awful.  Do your best to be the best influence on everyone you meet.  Be the brightest part of the day.

love

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When the Mirror Cracks

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maskedWhen I was in a high school Home Economics class, I was frustrated by my inability to sew a perfectly straight hem on a summer top.  I had ripped out sections and resewn it over and over.  I remember Mrs. Brown telling me that it was “straight enough for an active teenager.”  So, I finally stopped trying.  Whenever I wore that top, I would look at the bright green stitching and see the stops and starts of that hem.  It was an example of my struggles to be perfect.  As an adult, I worked in a building that had mirrored elevators. I never enjoyed those elevators. The light was harsh and the reflection never looked as good in those mirrors as in my home mirror. As a result, I tried not to look at the elevator reflection. I didn’t like it, so I ignored it and looked the other way.

We all have ideals in mind. Perfect hair, a perfect body, the perfect relationship. We strive to be the perfect parents and rear the  perfect family.    I tried to be the best at everything.  If I wasn’t sure I would be the best at something, I just didn’t try.  Failure was not acceptable in my world.  It’s easy to pretend life is perfect. Social media is quite handy when creating the “perfect” picture.  If we could only ignore the mirror of truth!

Too often, when the realization dawns that this perfect world doesn’t really exist, the goal mutates.  It becomes  extremely important to maintain the illusion of perfection.  We’ve all known the woman who posts about her perfect family with perfectly posed pictures amid the chaos of teen drug use and spousal abuse.  You’ve probably had a conversation with someone about how much they dislike spending time with a dysfunctional parent only to see the “best parent in the world” posted  on social media.  Or maybe, you’ve been with that couple that profess to love each other and to be excited about their life together.  But, they only complain about their partner  in private.   Truth is lost in the illusion.

I know how easy it is to fall under the spell of “the need for approval”.  It is so very hard to keep the facade in place.  I have worked to make sure those around me are content and happy.  I have been known to jump through hoops to take care of things for my children.  I have worked long hours and take criticism very personally even when it’s not meant to  be.   My desires often take 2nd (or 3rd) place behind those of my family members.  All of this in an effort to be “good enough”.   And more often than not, I fail.

With help, I’m learning that I am already “good enough.”   I can only do my best.   If others are not happy with my choices in life, I cannot change that.  I can choose not to spend time with those that continue to manipulate with disapproval.  I’ve learned so much about grace and forgiveness over the past two years.  I’m learning to accept and even embrace what I see in my mirror.

Is your mirror cracked?  Will you break free in 2018 and be the true and honest version of yourself?

 

“What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.”  Ephesians 4″:25 MSG

 

 

Unknown's avatar

Love: What You Do Not Want to Miss

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We search for love.  We yearn for love.  Sometimes, we fear love.  In Greek, there are four types of love:

  • Agapeo: Unconditional love; the love of God in the renewed mind in manifestation
  • Storge: Love of family; Parent/child, siblings, cousins, etc. In a very close family, agape is felt as well
  • Phileo: Love between friends
  • Eros: The sense of being in love; romantic love

For me, love is everything.  I believe that the God I serve is Love.  I love my children and my family.  I have several wonderful friends for whom I care deeply.  I have been blessed with the love of two wonderful men.  So, when someone asks how I knew that I loved my husband, why is it so difficult to describe?

There are lots of sayings about love:

  • Love is a many splendor thing
  • Love means never having to say you’re sorry
  • Love is something you do
  • Love is natures way of tricking people to reproduce
  • Love means to give everything you have…and not expect anything in return
  • Immature Love is: I love you because I need you.
    Mature Love is: I need you because I love you.
  • Love is making yourself vulnerable to someone, while fully knowing that they may betray you.
  • Love is blind
  • Love is never-ending

There is truth is all of the above statements.  But still, what do we want from love?  Safety, security, companionship?  What?

These are the things about deep and abiding love that I think you just don’t want to miss!

  1. Love is a choice.  We don’t  “fall in love”, rather we it’s probably more accurate to say we “fall in like” or even “in lust”.  We’ve all experienced crushes.  Those moments of elation when you just get to be near the object of your desire.  Your heart beats a little faster.  You just can’t imagine anything better.  Sometimes, crushes lead to relationships.  But, crushes fade away.  As the vision clears, you begin to see the real person.  You can choose to really love them or you move on to the next phase.  Choosing to love someone completely is wonderful.
  2. Love is hard work.  Anything that involves more than one person requires work.  A commitment to love and honor another person is a daily thing.  It means you don’t always get want you want, so you both sacrifice.  When you truly love someone, you look for ways to make their life more complete.
  3. Love doesn’t make you happy.  You may be married to most wonderful person in the world and still be unhappy.  If you are depending on someone else to fulfill you and make you happy, you will NEVER find happiness.  While many of us find happiness in relationships, we have to choose to be happy.  Many solid marriages end in divorce because one or both of the people involved were no longer happy.  Love is working through the unhappiness while still honoring the other person.
  4. Love doesn’t “complete” you.  You are the person God made you to be.  You are not 1/2 a person.  You are full and complete.  You may find someone and become half of a couple, but that person will never complete you.
  5. Love is never-ending, and it is also ever-changing.  The love I have for my husband has deepened since we married two years ago.  My heart still races when I think about him.  But, our relationship is evolving as we have learned to live together.  We learn things about each other every day.  There are new insights, new irritants, new joys and new challenges with every day.

I guess if I had to tell another woman what to look for in love I would say:

  • Look for the man who will take care of you.  I am pretty self-sufficient.  But, I really like it when my husband opens doors and pulls out my chair for me.   (Admittedly, I’ve had to learn to wait and allow him to do so!) I enjoy the flowers that he buys at the grocery store for me.  It’s comforting when he intervenes to protect me from activities that will cause me pain (both emotionally and physically.)  He has shown me how very much he cherishes me.  I do not have to “make” him do things.
  • Find the man who is interested in a partnership.  I can be very bossy.  So can my husband.  But, in our marriage, neither of us is “the boss”.   To do lists are general things that need to be done by either of us, they are not specific to either.  There are things that I do well and there are things that are his strong suit.  We try to bring out the best in each other.
  • Focus on the man who you cannot live without, not just someone you can live with (tolerate).  Deep and passionate love with get you through many intolerable situations.  There have been many people I could “live with” that have come and gone in my life.  But, the ones that I could not imagine doing life without have been very few.
  • Consider the  man who will honor you and wait for you until after the wedding vows.  In today’s world, we’ve come to accept sex as a part of dating.  Very few people get married without having already taken a “test drive” of sorts.  There is something extremely special about being worth the wait and sealing your wedding commitment on your wedding night.
  • Pay attention to the man who helps you feel secure and safe.  Being able to speak your mind and hear his opinions without fear is important.  Knowing that you are loved unconditionally is priceless.

I cannot imagine life without my husband, Tim.  I have experienced the death of a spouse and the pain of that loss was excruciating.  I promised myself that I would never allow anyone close enough to cause that much pain ever again.  But, God had a different plan and I am so very thankful for that!

loveis

 

 

 

 

 

Unknown's avatar

Marriage: Democracy, Dictatorship or Equal Partnership?

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I recently posed this question on Facebook:

How do you define marriage?  Would you say marriage is:
  • A Democracy where everyone gets a vote
  • A Dictatorship where one person is responsible for decisions and directions of the relationship.
  • An Equal Partnership where EVERYTHING is shared equally
For this discussion, marriage is defined as the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship. Historically, in most cultures, married women had very few rights of their own. But for purposes of this writing, marriage refers to the general definition of marriage in the western world; specifically the U.S.

Most that commented defined marriage as all of the above.  Other common thoughts were we should marry our best friend and that marriages should emulate Jesus and the Bride of Christ.  And, I would agree with “all of the above”.

In the New Testament, the image of Christ coming for his bride is presented.  It is through these scriptures that we see the devotion of the bridegroom and the readiness of the bride.  The ideals of commitment, love and servant-hood are woven throughout the picture we are given.  It’s the perfect blending.

Unfortunately, today’s marriages are not that perfect.  I would venture that most of the couples that get married or are planning to marry in this day and age envision a 50-50 partnership.  Everything is shared:  money, household chores, care of the children, etc.   This is an almost impossible ideal to meet.  One or both of the people involved will feel that they are giving more than their 50%, whether it’s through money earned and contributed  or time spent around the home.

When the Equal Partnership doesn’t seem to providing on the equality front, democracy may come to the forefront.  Both sides begin to “campaign” for their own interests.  Both sides are able to lay all their cards on the table and come to an agreement on how responsibilities, money, time, etc. should be divided.  During rational times, this is a good method.  The flaw comes to play when there in no “majority”, no winner or agreement.  And that’s when, the marriage often moves into the Dictatorship phase.

In a dictatorship, one person is responsible for decisions that are made.   There are circumstances where a decision has to be made whether it is popular or not.  The “dictator” makes that decision and proceeds for better or worse.

In a healthy marriage, all of the things occur.   We both work.  My job keeps me away from home a majority of the day and as a result, most of the cooking and household decisions fall on my husband.  We don’t split them equally at all.  I try to do my part on the weekends.  And, he does ask for my help, too.  There is no “honey-do” list that must be completed for either of us.  When decisions arise that are not of the day-to-day variety, we do discuss them and try to come to an agreement.  There here have been times when my husband has had to make decisions that I could not or would not make.  I didn’t necessarily like it, but I knew that it was for the best and I would acquiesce to his authority at that time.  And, I’ll be honest, there are times that I have done the same thing.  So, you can say that my marriage is all of the above.

Many relationships fail because the “mix” isn’t palatable.  One person may feel they do “everything around the house”.  Or,  they don’t feel they have a say in any of the decisions made.  Maybe one person is a perfectionist and likes things done a particular way and just can’t accept any variations.  The key to getting through all of this is communication.  You have to be able to talk.  What you may perceive as laziness on your partner’s part, may actually be hopelessness because nothing will please you.  Or, it may be defensiveness: no adult wants to be treated like a child in their own home.

Customs and traditions concerning marriage in this country have morphed over the years. Cohabitation has increased by nearly 900% over the last 50 years. The focus often becomes “THE WEDDING” instead of the marriage. The average cost of a wedding is at an all time high of $31,213.  On average, researchers concluded that couples who lived together before they tied the knot saw a 33 percent higher rate of divorce than those who waited to live together until after they were married. Part of the problem was that cohabitors, studies suggested, “slid into” marriage without much consideration. Instead of making a conscious decision to share an entire life together, couples who shared a dog, a dresser, a blender, were picking marriage over the inconvenience of a break up. Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist, outlined the “cohabitation effect” in a widely circulated New York Times op-ed in 2012.

When we look at marriage as a life-long commitment to serve our partner not just as an escape from life alone, the decisions we make and the actions we take may be different.  We may have to leave behind the baggage of past family relationships.  Just because our parents did it this way, doesn’t mean that it’s the best decision for our family.   If my goal as a wife is to serve my husband to be best of my ability, to provide for his comfort, to encourage  and support him, to love and treat him as my best friend, then our marriage will survive and maybe even prosper.  But, it takes a conscious decision to be that servant.  It means that I don’t always get what I want.  It means that I may have to accomplish everything on the honey-do list instead of demanding my husband does so.  Someone else will have to take priority over me.

That’s the example that Christ gave for his bride, the Church.

“Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.
No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.”
Ephesians 5:22-33 MSG