This time of year, brings so many memories and feelings to the forefront. I love the fall themes: pumpkins, scarecrows & falling leaves. Even though it’s still very hot and muggy, there have been a few hints at the cooler weather that is on its way.
Next week is the 8th anniversary of my marriage to Tim. A little less than a month later, I will observe the 36th anniversary of my first marriage. This year, will mark 18 years without my husband of 18 years. It’s an odd feeling to realize that Terry has been gone as long as we were married.
Each of these anniversaries carries it’s own emotions. I am so grateful to have been blessed with 2 awesome husbands. As I look back, I have few regrets. There are however, things I wish I had done the first 8 years I was married to Terry.
I wish I had “read the room” a little better. There were a lot of family dynamics that I just didn’t understand. I viewed my in-laws through my own family experiences. It took a long time to understand and accept the way Terry’s view of marriage/family was shaped by his relationship with his parents. When we were first dating, we talked about being from similar backgrounds. Truthfully, the only similarities were 1) our parents were still married and 2) we both grew up in a Southern Baptist Church.
I wish I known more about ways of communicating early in our marriage. Growing up, my dad would say “If you have a chance, maybe you could . . .” I knew that this wasn’t really a suggestion and that he would be upset if it wasn’t done when he got home. So, I used this same method with Terry. The problem was, he also had his own communication training. His response to any request was “I’ll try.” For years, we when back and forth on things. I would make “suggestions” and he would “try”. Terry’s family screamed and threw stuff to make a point. I shut down when the voices were raised. We were both frustrated. I had to learn to state what I needed and he had to learn to be intentional.
I wish I had let go of my expectations sooner. In my twenties, I had my whole life ahead of me and I was certain I could handle it all. I was a women of spreadsheets and goals. And, I loved and married a dreamer. He had big dreams. He could write and create and I would get caught up in the hopes and dreams. And then, I would get angry when the execution of those dreams didn’t happen as planned. I wasted a lot of time being mad. When I finally took a moment to readjust my expectations, our marriage took a huge leap forward. Other people noticed the difference. I had to learn to support the dreamer that I loved by grounding our marriage in reality.
I wish I had been louder in my appreciation of Terry. He was a great man and a super dad. We made the decision early in our marriage that he would be the stay-at-home parent. He took a lot of grief from others, especially our families. He was viewed as “unable” to hold a job when the reality was this was our choice. He was deemed a failure by many. Those that didn’t know him assumed he was lazy or inept. Nothing was further from the truth. Terry was creative. He wrote plays and our church children’s worship curriculum. He loved being on the stage and could act and sing. He created back grounds for the children’s area that were phenomenal. The biggest compliment he received was many years after his death. Our son made the choice to leave a lucrative position to work from home. He told me “I want to be the dad to my son that my dad was to me!”
My current marriage has benefited greatly from these experiences. There were still some growing pains, but I came into this marriage with a clearer view of how hard marriage can be. Marriage in your 50’s is very different from marriage in your 20’s. Marriage with adult children has it’s own challenges, as well.
If I could give anyone in the first decade of marriage any advice, this would be it:
- Find your own way to communicate. Men and women do not communicate in the same way. EVER. Yelling, curse words, door slamming are not effective. Find ways to make your needs known without being aggressive or demanding. Remember to say “I love you!” and “Thank You” and “Please”.
- Learn to accept and appreciate your spouse’s contributions. Is getting things done “MY” way really the only outcome? If I constantly redo or criticize how my spouse does things (laundry, cleaning, family time), my spouse will eventually stop trying. Then what have I accomplished, really.
- Perfection may be the goal, but it’s not usually reality. And, your views of what is perfect may not intersect with those of your spouse. Relax and let go on the minor things. Pick a few non-negotiables and drop the rest. The chore list may need to be abbreviated. Personal down time may need to be planned into the week. Find the balance so you don’t start resenting each other for what is demanded and/or not done.
- Stop using the words “always” and “never” as in “You ALWAYS want to play games” or “You NEVER clean the house”.
- Leave time for romance and each other. That sounds easy. But money is sometimes tight. When the kids are small, there is never enough time and/or energy. Even if you don’t feel romantic, make the effort. Go out once a month. If nothing else, pawn the kids off on the grandparents/friends and then go home and chill for a few hours. Speak up if you need a date night.
- Do not hesitate to seek counseling. A third party can often point out the blind spots you each have. Going to counselling is not a sign of failure. On the contrary, it’s an indication that you intend to succeed.
Most of all, keep remembering WHY you married this person. The very things that are driving you nuts now, may be the things that were attractive in the beginning.
Marriage is a challenge. It takes every ounce of energy on some days. And, it is worth every moment of angst and joy.
I am blessed to have a 2nd chance with my blended family. I have learned to never take a moment for granted.