SHHHHH!

“If you can’t say something nice. . .”

We’ve all heard that phrase:  “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”  I’ve said it to my own children when they were busily calling each other names or tattling on each other.  But, I have recently realized, that this phrase has taken on a whole different meaning in my life.

My internal voice tells me that nice people never get angry, so there must be something wrong with me when I get irritated, annoyed or mad.  I avoid situations and interactions with others that have made me angry in the past.  Rather than confront the pain/anger, I’ve become very adept at “not seeing” those persons.  I’ve been told that I don’t “do guilt.”  That’s not at all true.  I’ve just learned to hide all my guilty feelings.  If I don’t see them, I don’t have to feel guilty for the way I feel.

This internal voice also tells me that nice people always agree and swallow their own differences for the sake of being nice and preventing others from being irritated, annoyed or mad.  This has been a hard lesson for me.  When I’m asked for my opinion, I usually give it.  Why would anyone ask me if they didn’t really want to know what I thought?  However, the vast majority that ask don’t really want to hear what I have to say.  They expect agreement and support from me.  I’ve been told that I didn’t know enough to have that opinion.  I’ve been told to work things out within myself and “wrap my head around” an issue (meaning come to see “the right” opinion.)  I’ve been threatened in work situations when I didn’t automatically agree.  So, I’m very careful when it comes to being open with my feelings or opinions.  It’s better to be stoic than honest.

My therapist once asked me what kind of animal I felt represented me.  My answer was a possum.  A possum is useful in getting rid of unwanted pests. A mother possum is a fierce protector of her children and carries them around with her.  But, a possum is ugly.  It slinks around in the dark.  When confronted, it plays dead.  But, I want to be a flamingo.  A flamingo is beautiful.  It spends time in the open, eating and just being beautiful. Flamingos are members of a flock, and raise their babies together.  Everyone loves the flamingo.

I recently read a devotional taken from Joyce Meyer’s book, “Battlefield of the Mind” that said:  “We should choose our thoughts carefully. We can think about what is wrong with our lives or about what is right with them. We can think about what is wrong with all the people we are in relationship with or we can see the good and meditate on that. The Bible teaches us to always believe the best. When we do that, it makes our own lives happier and more peaceful.”

I am attempting to rewrite my internal messages.  I don’t think anyone should purposely hurt or offend others.  Name calling is a childish behavior and should be avoided.  I do, however, need to be honest.  And being honest about my hurts and my feelings may not feel nice to others.   I may not do some things in order to keep the peace or because it’s the expected thing to do.   I may still avoid situations and interactions with others to avoid unnecessary confrontations.  And, I refuse to feel guilty for putting my husband and children as a priority in my life.  I will live my life to the fullest and stop worrying about the approval of others.

“I call Heaven and Earth to witness against you today: I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, he is life itself, a long life settled on the soil that God, your God, promised to give your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”

Deuteronomy 30:19-20 MSG

Lonely vs Alone

I’m an introvert. I draw energy from being alone.  I need time to process information.  Interacting with people, whether family, social or strangers results in my need to withdraw  and to spend time alone to re-energize. Small talk and pointless conversations are exhausting to me.  It doesn’t take loads of alone time for me to recharge.  Just a few minutes in the evening or a Saturday morning just “piddling” in my office will suffice.

An extrovert won’t always understand the need for “alone” time. Extroverts often equate being alone with loneliness.  Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely.  Loneliness is painful and sad.  Depression and remoteness are the results of loneliness.  Alone time is energizing and breeds creativity and calm.  Being alone allows the introvert the opportunity to process the days events, the ability to download and file away the day’s emotions and make necessary decisions.

I have been lonely.  I was that person  who seemed to have it all together, but would eat take-out in the driveway rather than face the quiet of the house.  I am the one who spent entire weekends in bed.  Sleep filled the loneliest times.  I’ve done the things that had to be done on my own, because that was required.  I’ve sat through numerous  family and social events all alone, surrounded by happy couples.  I’ve been forgotten on the way to a family funeral because everyone had someone else to consider and besides,  I’m very capable.

For ten years, I was the lonely person coping with doing most things alone.  A few years ago, I was rescued from the loneliness.  I have a partner in my husband.  I believe we bring out the best in each other.  There are still things that I have to accomplish alone.  And there are days that my extrovert husband questions my need to be alone.  But, I’m no longer lonely.  I refuse to be the lonely person in the midst of the couples.  I can admit that I don’t have it all together and trust that there is someone upon whom I can depend.  I am no longer lonely.

“God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.”   Genesis 2:18  MSG

 

 

 

 

Struggles

I have begun and stopped at least a dozen posts.  There’s so much I want to say, but the thoughts seem incomplete and unimportant.  I struggle with what to say, what to share.  I see so much around me, both good and not so good.  But, putting the words around those moments has proven difficult.

I watch friendships that come and go for so many reasons.  I don’t think all relationships are meant to last forever. There are some people that come into our lives for a season and then we move on in different directions.  What I’m seeing, though, are relationships that are coming apart because there are so many conditions that are set forth.  The most common condition:   “I can’t spend time with you if he/she will be there”  or the more definitive “You have to choose, it’s me or him/her.”  But the most interesting spin on these conditional friendships is that the conditions are usually not reciprocal.  The same person that forces the choice also requires unconditional acceptance of all of his/her own relationships.

I see snap judgments made with very little knowledge of the circumstances.  It’s easy to jump to the obvious conclusions.  It’s much harder to look through the  details and find out the circumstances that surrounded the event or person.  Not all information that is provided through the news or social media is complete or even correct.  I remind myself that a cup of salt and a cup of sugar look a lot alike, but they impart very different results.  It’s time to stop assuming everything is at face value and look deeper.

I realize how easy it is to forgive and forget a “pet” sin.  Adultery, promiscuity, little white lies, petty theft are easily excused and often expected by the majority of the population.  But, make a mistake or forget something that is involved with one the “causes of the day” and expect be hung out to dry.  Political correctness, bullying, gun control are all examples of causes that get a lot of attention very quickly.  One misstep and you are toast.

I mourn the loss of discipline in the home and schools.  Where are the strong parents that created strong homes to provide the framework for successful children?  Instead, we have given rise to the “helicopter” parent that is just trying to force the schools and society to adapt to “MY CHILD”.  Where is the discipline in schools that commanded respect? It has been eroded away, bit by bit, by the parents who see no wrong in their own special and perfect hell raiser and the leadership that is afraid of repercussions.

I’m exhausted by the total obsession with “me, myself and I” that surrounds us.  All of the above would be remedied by taking time to look around and try to understand.  But, I can’t see others if I’m focused on me.  Am I a cup of sugar or a cup of salt?  How will I affect the recipe of life around me?

 

A Prayer for my Children

As a mom, I have felt the joy and the pain of watching my children succeed, fail, love, mourn, laugh and cry.  I gave birth to and reared G & Z.  We’ve been through so much together:  great successes in school sports and music, spiritual awakening and growth, &  the death of their father.  I’m also privileged to have  three “gift with purchase” kids (K, R & J) that came with my second marriage.  I have known these three most of their lives, so I have seen them cope with many of life’s challenges as  well.  I also have a beautiful daughter-in-love (L) as well as a handsome grandson (JT).  I’ve had the privilege of “mothering” a “daughter-in-my-heart” (KM) that I have loved as my own for many years as she dealt with growing up after the death of her mom.  And, soon, we add another to the family as K & A are wed this fall.

One of the most difficult things I’ve had to learn through the years, is I can’t control everything that happens to my kids.  The good or the bad, it’s coming regardless of what I do.  I can warn and encourage, but ultimately, the decisions are their own.  These are the things I pray for my children:

  1.  Have the courage to be yourself.  You don’t have to remake  yourself to fit someone else’s ideals and you don’t need to bully your way through life.  You are special just the way you are.  Be confident in the abilities that God has given you and use them to build relationships, both professional and personal.  You don’t need to be part of a couple to be complete.  Value your independence and develop your whole being.
  2. Be content where God has you, but prepared to move forward in His timing.  It’s hard to be patient and wait for the right relationship or the best job to open up for you.  Do your best in all things.  Never stop working and improving yourself.  But, don’t try to handle things all on your own.  Remember that God has a plan for you and it’s all in his timing.
  3. If you commit yourself to another in marriage, remember you are in this for life.  Relationships are difficult at best.  It’s easy to take short-cuts and our world excuses and often encourages the failure of marriage.  Love your partner completely.  And by that I mean, always look out for whats best for him/her.  Your own wants should come in second.  Marriage is not about control.  It’s a partnership.  Loving someone doesn’t give you the authority to order them around.  Nor does love allow you to scream and call names to get your own way.  There will be disagreements in any relationship.  Don’t allow arguments to escalate into screaming matches.  Love fully and completely without selfish manipulation.
  4. Protect the intimacy that was designed to be shared with your spouse.  Beware of society’s bad advice.  Love is NOT just about sex and desire.  Sex should not be an automatic part of dating.  Sex should remain special not common place.  Girls, learn to protect the men in your life by dressing with modesty.  Boys, look out for the women you love and don’t promise love when you just desire the physical.  Love yourself enough to protect yourself, body & soul.
  5. Build lasting relationships.  Friends are important in life.  Find and cultivate relationships that challenge you to grow and mature.  In a marriage, friendship is essential.  The fires of passion may have spurred you into marriage.  Be assured that those fires will cool.   But, as you develop your relationship in other ways, the flames of true and lasting love will be stoked and burn even more brightly.
  6. If you choose to marry, don’t settle.  Many of those “cute” characteristics that you find so endearing and attractive today, will drive you crazy later.  You may try to overlook irritants and decide you can change them later.  Please hear me:  THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN!  You do not marry someone to change them.  You adjust to and for the person you marry.  Marry the person you can’t imagine living without, not the one you think you can live with.
  7.  Be aware of everything you say and do. Learn to filter what you say so you don’t offend.   And then FORGIVE, FORGIVE, FORGIVE.   Practiving “forgive and forget” is incredibly hard.   Make forgiveness a part of your everyday life.  Don’t hesitate to ask for it or to give it.
  8. Never stop building your relationship with God.  When you are at peace with God, you will be a better friend and/or spouse.  Make the effort to spend time with other believers.   If Sunday’s are your only day to sleep late and you just CANNOT give that up, there are other opportunities to grow your faith.  Cultivate time with God.  If you would get up early to go tail-gating, there’s not excuse for not getting up for church.  Don’t fall into the habit of “saying a little prayer and crossing your fingers” to get what you want.  God is not an awesome “Santa Claus” that provides whatever you want,  He is, however, the authority on all the things that occur in our lives.  The low times are much easier to confront and navigate when we’ve included God  in the good times.

Life can be wonderful and awful.  Do your best to be the best influence on everyone you meet.  Be the brightest part of the day.

love

The Old Ways

church-pews-hymnal-bible

Anyone that has been around me for very long knows that I love music.  There are few things as satisfying to me as singing really tight well tuned harmonies with others.  That’s one of the reasons I love to sing the “old” hymns.  They were written for harmony.  With that type of music, you don’t need all the instrumentation:  the voices are the instruments.

But, I also love the “new” music (at least some of it!)  Technology has moved us past simple piano/organ accompaniments.  We now have  so  many variations of guitars, drums, keyboards, etc.   It’s fun to see all of the components fit together and the excitement often builds with the noise level.

I get amused when people start comparing music styles.  The argument for singing hymns is often the history and the message in each of them.  I jokingly refer to the  blue Baptist Hymnal with which I grew up as “God’s Hymnal.”  Between the King James Bible and the Baptist Hymnal, we had a lock on all things religiously important!  I still love many of the hymns from that hymnal:  #96 At Calvary, #240 Just as I Am.  I knew the page numbers of the hymns we sang quite often by heart.  I could also sing verses 1, 2 & 4 from memory for many of those.

But changes occur.  The first ripple I remember was “The Good News for Modern Man” version of the Bible.  It was easier to understand, but was still not treated as “THE Bible.”  Then came the Living Bible and the New American Standard Bible.  Newer translations and paraphrases were used more and more.  The New International Version moved onto the scene as well as The Message and countless others.  And none caused a bigger stir in the Baptist world as the introduction of the NEW Baptist Hymnal.  The hymn numbers were different.  They included some of the “new” songs like “Pass It On” and “He’s Everything to Me.” Some people still were lamenting the loss of the Broadman Hymnal with the shaped notes and the “real” hymns.  I remember the comments at the time.  But, we  moved forward and the world as we know it did not end.  We continued to have church, we continued to sing.  We just did it differently.

Just as I use various translations and paraphrases of the Bible to study and learn, I use different styles of music to worship and enjoy.  “The Old Rugged Cross” is still dear to me.  “Victory in Jesus” will never go out of style.  And the memories that these older songs bring up are precious indeed.  My college years were filled with music by Amy Grant, Dallas Holme & Praise, the Imperials and other contemporary artists of the day.  They were loud and new-fangled to my parents, but they are old-fashioned to my kids way of thinking.

I recently had a conversation with one of my daughters and she commented on the old music being played by the local Christian radio station.  I couldn’t help but laugh.  The “old” stuff was MercyMe, Chris Tomlin, and other artists I still consider relevant.  But, the praise music we hear today is more often from Bethel, Elevation, or the newest Hillsong iteration.  Within Contemporary Christian music, a new division has been emerged:  Praise and Worship.  The other stuff is just old and boring.

I will continue to enjoy both the old and the new.  There are new versions of the old hymns introduced every year.  Who hasn’t been moved by “My Chains are Gone” or “The Wonderful Cross” or “Cornerstone”.  All use hymns as their basis.  I can’t wait to see where music is in 10 years.  Will “What a Beautiful Name” or “Oceans” join the ranks of “Because He Lives” and “Shout to the Lord” as “old” hymns?  Will we continue our trek back to tighter harmonies and more unplugged sessions?  Just as fashions seem to come back into style and translations change, what music will be popular again?

And in case you’re interested, there are songs that move me to tears in just a few notes:  “The Strategic Air Command March”, “Under the Double Eagle” and “Stars and Stripes Forever”.  All are marches (not hymns) that bring up some very bright and wonderful memories for me of my years playing trombone with my high school band.  Music speaks to the soul.  You may have a particular genre that you prefer and that is just fine.  Please allow that others react differently.  Just because it’s new (and maybe loud) don’t discard it immediately.  Let God use His music of all kinds to speak to you.

19 Talk with each other much about the Lord, quoting psalms and hymns and singing sacred songs, making music in your hearts to the Lord. 20 Always give thanks for everything to our God and Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Ephesians 5:19-20 TLB

Only the memories. . .

Today I signed the final papers to sell my Katy home.  Terry and I bought this house in 1994, right before Zachary was to start kindergarten.  At the time, there were lots of kids to play with in the cul-de-sac.   This was to be our started house, until we could afford something bigger.  We spent the last 11 years of our marriage in this home.

munsey front yard

This is the place that Zac and Gracie learned to ride their bikes.  This is the place where Zachary lost his tooth when he crashed his scooter while trying to show off for the neighbors.  This is the yard that Zachary planted his very own Hibiscus plant and watched it flourish.  This is the neighborhood where both Gracie and Zachary learned to drive.

The house is empty now.  But, the memories still echo in my mind.  I raised my children in this house.  I learned to survive after being widowed in this house.  Lassie, Aislyn, Maynard, PuP, Bulldozer, Crystal, Tiger & Charlie as well as numerous fish, hamsters & hermit crabs were loved and lived in this house with us.

We played. We laughed. We loved. We cried. We fought. And we loved some more in this house.  This is no longer our home.  It’s the house that we made into a home.

munsey back

I will always have the memories to cherish.  Thank you Munsey house.