Monthly Archives: May 2014

Fear, Failure & Other Silliness

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I have NOT done lots of things in my life because I didn’t want to:
a) look silly
b) fail
c) get hurt
d) lose
e) admit I was afraid
f) ask for help
g) all of the above

In school, I didn’t try out for anything unless I was fairly certain I would succeed. I avoided any activities that might be above my current capabilities. I didn’t want to fall and maybe be hurt. If I did take a risk and then I fell, I NEVER tried again. (It’s amazing I learned to ride a bicycle!) I stuck with the things I could do best and pretended I didn’t care about the rest of it.

As I matured, I learned that there were times when taking the risk was worth it. It was okay to try and to fail. I actually found that I could excel at looking silly and survive! I’ll never be a champion skater (or even very good for that matter!), but I can say that I tried. And fell. Many, many times. On a few occasions, I’ve been forced to face my fear of heights and bugs and snakes and telephones and have lived to tell about it even if I still get a bit nauseated at the memories.

One area in which I continue to struggle and grow in is developing true relationships. I’ve never had a problem meeting people. I can be friendly and even helpful. But, when it comes to really allowing another person past my personal fire-wall, that’s a different story. Because behind this facade is a person that fears the risk of transparency. You may discover that I’m actually silly or shallow. I may not be able to live up to your expectations. What if you don’t like me or find me annoying? Will you stick around if I admit that I’m afraid or that I desperately need your help? What will I do if you let me down? And those fears have tried to rob me of the joy of truly knowing and loving others.

There are no guarantees. Some people have come into my life for a specific time and now our lives follow different paths. There are people who I have loved and mourned when they were unwilling or unable to return that love. And then there are the people who are so deeply and richly ingrained in my life and memories that even time and distance cannot break the bond. I’ve had my heart broken and bruised through the years. There have been times that I promised God and myself that I would NEVER allow anyone the opportunity to hurt me that deeply ever again. But, as the pain subsides and the new normal becomes more familiar, I know that I need to step out of my safe zone. And, I’m so glad I haven’t given up on loving and caring about others. For all the tears and pain, I’ve also experienced so much love and joy.

If I had waited until love was safe and hassle-free, I would never have married. If we had waited until everything was perfect in our lives and in our world to have children, I wouldn’t have Zachary & Gracie. If I wait until there is no risk of being hurt before I love and care about others, I’ll live a very lonely, empty life. If I only live the parts of my life that come with guarantees, I’ll never know what it is to live life fully. Every day, I ask God for guidance and wisdom and protection. And every day, He reminds me that I am loved.

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31 NIV

Powerless

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There are days when I just feel powerless. Helpless in the face of all that life is bringing to me.

Friends in pain and I’m unable to stop the hurting.
Hearts broken when love is denied and all I can do is watch.
Growing pains in the “new” reality of life, adjusting to the unwelcome changes.
I can only watch in confusion as the “bad guys” seem to succeed and the “good guys” suffer.

But. . .

I’ve learned that pain forces me to move, to change and to grow. To endure.

I’ve realized that not all love is good. There’s wisdom in the saying “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Broken hearts do mend. There will always be scars and fears. And, we learn to use caution before giving our hearts away too freely, too easily.

I try to accept and adjust to the new reality that each day brings to me. Because, what choice do I really have? Change may not be welcome, but it is inevitable. Change is often GOOD. Instead of fighting every change, I’m trying to move on with grace and acceptance.

I still question the fairness of life. I struggle with forgiveness. What does it look like? What if no one asks for it? Do I really have to forgive and forget?

Ultimately, God is the only one that understands the reasons. I have to turn it over to Him on a daily basis.

And, I still ask “Why?”

Five Minute Friday – Grateful

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Featured Five Minute Friday:
Here’s the deal. Five Minute Friday. You go find the little prompt at the wonderful Lisa-Jo’s blog, set the time and write for five minutes, and then just stop. Where you are, no edits, just publish raw words.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

OK, are you ready? Please give us your best five minutes on the word:::

Grateful
GO

Some mornings, I look around and wonder if it’s really worth all of the hassle and effort. It would just be easier to stay in bed and hide from the world. I listen to that inner voice that keeps telling me that I’m not good enough or that I’m failing in some way. But, I’m reminded of the truth in Psalm 16:11 “You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” And, I remember.

I remember that no matter how sad I may feel at time, God is there to lift me up. He provides friends and encouragement. I don’t need to spend time thinking about what was or what will never be. God has my life planned. He has “eternal pleasures” for me.

I remember the gifts He has already given to me: a good (if too short) marriage, true and faithful friends that listen and encourage, beautiful kids that have joined with me to overcome the grief that death brings, a supportive and loving family. How can I doubt?

When life doesn’t go quite as planned (or even reasonable close for that matter), I am still grateful. Not always for the events in life, but definitely for the experiences, the learnings and the love.

I am grateful.

Silk Flowers

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Yesterday I put flowers on my husband’s grave. I do this whenever I make the trip home. For eight years I have brought new silk flowers to fill the marble urn on the headstone that marks his little plot of ground. There are people that think this is a waste of time and money. Terry doesn’t know or care if there are flowers on his grave. Actually, Terry didn’t see any reason to spend money on flowers when he was alive. The irony never fails to amuse me: I’ve put more flowers on his grave than he ever gave to me during our marriage. And I’m ok with that.

To be clear: I don’t put flowers on his grave to make Terry happy. I know Terry’s not in that cemetery. It’s just his shell that we buried. I do it because I want anyone that passes his gravesite to know that he was important to someone. Flowers are the only way I have left to say he was loved. It’s the one place that allows me to openly honor him. I will continue to refresh the bouquets as long as I can, in memory of the husband and father that Terry was. In memory of the love that I cherish to this day.

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