Author Archives: Melissa Jan

Self-revelations of Marriage

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This time of year, brings so many memories and feelings to the forefront.  I love the fall themes: pumpkins, scarecrows & falling leaves.  Even though it’s still very hot and muggy, there have been a few hints at the cooler weather that is on its way. 

Next week is the 8th anniversary of my marriage to Tim.   A little less than a month later, I will observe the 36th anniversary of my first marriage.  This year, will mark 18 years without my husband of 18 years.  It’s an odd feeling to realize that Terry has been gone as long as we were married. 

Each of these anniversaries carries it’s own emotions.  I am so grateful to have been blessed with 2 awesome husbands.  As I look back, I have few regrets.  There are however, things I wish I had done the first 8 years I was married to Terry.

I wish I had “read the room” a little better.  There were a lot of family dynamics that I just didn’t understand.  I viewed my in-laws through my own family experiences.  It took a long time to understand and accept the way Terry’s view of marriage/family was shaped by his relationship with his parents.  When we were first dating, we talked about being from similar backgrounds.  Truthfully, the only similarities were 1) our parents were still married and 2) we both grew up in a Southern Baptist Church. 

I wish I known more about ways of communicating early in our marriage.  Growing up, my dad would say “If you have a chance, maybe you could . . .”  I knew that this wasn’t really a suggestion and that he would be upset if it wasn’t done when he got home.  So, I used this same method with Terry.  The problem was, he also had his own communication training.  His response to any request was “I’ll try.”  For years, we when back and forth on things.  I would make “suggestions” and he would “try”.  Terry’s family screamed and threw stuff to make a point.  I shut down when the voices were raised.  We were both frustrated.  I had to learn to state what I needed and he had to learn to be intentional. 

I wish I had let go of my expectations sooner.  In my twenties, I had my whole life ahead of me and I was certain I could handle it all.  I was a women of spreadsheets and goals. And, I loved and married a dreamer.  He had big dreams. He could write and create and I would get caught up in the hopes and dreams.  And then, I would get angry when the execution of those dreams didn’t happen as planned.  I wasted a lot of time being mad.  When I finally took a moment to readjust my expectations, our marriage took  a huge leap forward.  Other people noticed the difference.  I had to learn to support the dreamer that I loved by grounding our marriage in reality. 

I wish I had been louder in my appreciation of Terry.  He was a great man and a super dad.  We made the decision early in our marriage that he would be the stay-at-home parent.  He took a lot of grief from others, especially our families.  He was viewed as “unable” to hold a job when the reality was this was our choice.  He was deemed a failure by many.  Those that didn’t know him assumed he was lazy or inept.  Nothing was further from the truth.  Terry was creative.  He wrote plays and our church children’s worship curriculum.  He loved being on the stage and could act and sing.  He created back grounds for the children’s area that were phenomenal.  The biggest compliment he received was many years after his death.  Our son made the choice to leave a lucrative position to work from home.  He told me “I want to be the dad to my son that my dad was to me!” 

My current marriage has benefited greatly from these experiences.  There were still some growing pains, but I came into this marriage with a clearer view of how hard marriage can be.  Marriage in your 50’s is very different from marriage in your 20’s.  Marriage with adult children has it’s own challenges, as well. 

If I could give anyone in the first decade of marriage any advice, this would be it:

  1.  Find your own way to communicate.  Men and women do not communicate in the same way.  EVER.  Yelling, curse words, door slamming are not effective.  Find ways to make your needs known without being aggressive or demanding.  Remember to say “I love you!” and “Thank You” and “Please”. 
  2. Learn to accept and appreciate your spouse’s contributions.  Is getting things done “MY” way really the only outcome?  If I constantly redo or criticize how my spouse does things (laundry, cleaning, family time),  my spouse will eventually stop trying.  Then what have I accomplished, really. 
  3. Perfection may be the goal, but it’s not usually reality.  And, your views of what is perfect may not intersect with those of your spouse. Relax and let go on the minor things.  Pick a few non-negotiables and drop the rest.  The chore list may need to be abbreviated.  Personal down time may need to be planned into the week.  Find the balance so you don’t start resenting each other for what is demanded and/or not done.
  4. Stop using the words “always” and “never” as in “You ALWAYS want to play games” or “You NEVER clean the house”.
  5. Leave time for romance and each other.  That sounds easy.  But money is sometimes tight.  When the kids are small, there is never enough time and/or energy.  Even if you don’t feel romantic, make the effort.  Go out once a month.  If nothing else, pawn the kids off on the grandparents/friends and then go home and chill for a few hours.  Speak up if you need a date night.
  6. Do not hesitate to seek counseling. A third party can often point out the blind spots you each have. Going to counselling is not a sign of failure. On the contrary, it’s an indication that you intend to succeed.

Most of all, keep remembering WHY you married this person.  The very things that are driving you nuts now, may be the things that were attractive in the beginning. 

Marriage is a challenge.  It takes every ounce of energy on some days.  And, it is worth every moment of angst and joy. 

I am blessed to have a 2nd chance with my blended family.  I have learned to never take a moment for granted.

Who Do You Follow?

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“When one of you says, “I’m on Paul’s side,” and another says, “I’m for Apollos,” aren’t you being totally childish?”

1 Corinthians 3:4 The Message

I grew up in a rural community in North Texas in a small Southern Baptist Church. Pastors didn’t seem to stay too long in our little town. They would come, do their work and then move to the next church. Four years was a long time in church years. We had summer youth director’s that came and invested in our lives for the summer and then went back to college to finish up and start their own lives. Rarely did we see or hear from them after they left.

Maybe it was because of the constant change, I came to realize that I was a part of my church not because of the pastor or the youth director.  I was a part of the church because I was a follower of Jesus.  While I was often sad when their time at our church ended, I knew that God was STILL a part of my life and I would continue to worship Him.

When I moved to the Houston area, the plethora of church choices was a bit overwhelming.  Every denomination, large and small, surrounded me.  I moved my letter to one church because I liked the pastor.  He was well known and pastored one of the faster growing Houston Churches.  But, I never got involved in the large metropolitan church.  It was too easy to hide, too easy to get lost in the crowd.  So, when another, smaller church came into my life, I jumped at the chance to join and be a part of the community.  I fellowshipped and worshiped with my church family for 10 years under 3 pastors.  I met my husband there.  Both my children were born and dedicated while at this church.  There were issues throughout that time.  But our main focus never changed:  WE WERE THERE TO WORSHIP GOD AND TO HONOR CHRIST.

My husband and I served on the staff of 4 churches during his lifetime.  I saw people really focused on the Christlike goal.  Unfortunately, I also witnessed a lot of politics and power grabbing too.  We even took a break from ministry because of the politics of one particular congregation.  That was a painful time.  However, it reinforced my goal to seek Christ in my home church and not to focus on the leaders, the music or other members. 

I know that a dynamic speaker will attract people.  There’s nothing wrong with being a pastor and a great speaker.  The run comes when the speaking (some would call it manipulation) is the primary goal and shepherding the ENTIRE family is not.  I’ve seen churches founded and built on the abilities of the lead pastor to deliver strong and impassioned sermons.  And, I’ve seen many of those churches fail when that pastor left or fell off of his pedestal. 

So, I ask:  WHO DO YOU FOLLOW? 

When asked this question, do you talk about what church you attend or do you immediately say I follow Christ? 

Do you follow a person that leads your church, your Sunday School, your Small Group, etc?   Or, do you follow the risen Savior, Christ Jesus and go where He directs?

Do you depend upon the words of your chosen leader to guide you? Or, do you spend time in scripture and in prayer hearing what God would have you do?

Do you follow a leader that is concerned with getting the attention and the power?  Or, do you follow a leader that points you to Christ and prepares you to grow and move in your own path of servanthood?

“But for right now, friends, I’m completely frustrated by your unspiritual dealings with each other and with God. You’re acting like infants in relation to Christ, capable of nothing much more than nursing at the breast. Well, then, I’ll nurse you since you don’t seem capable of anything more. As long as you grab for what makes you feel good or makes you look important, are you really much different than a babe at the breast, content only when everything’s going your way? When one of you says, “I’m on Paul’s side,” and another says, “I’m for Apollos,” aren’t you being totally childish? Who do you think Paul is, anyway? Or Apollos, for that matter? Servants, both of us—servants who waited on you as you gradually learned to entrust your lives to our mutual Master. We each carried out our servant assignment. I planted the seed, Apollos watered the plants, but God made you grow. It’s not the one who plants or the one who waters who is at the center of this process but God, who makes things grow. Planting and watering are menial servant jobs at minimum wages. What makes them worth doing is the God we are serving. You happen to be God’s field in which we are working.

1Corinthians 3:1-9 The Message

WHO DO YOU FOLLOW?

Can Christians Grieve?

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Grief: deep sorrow; trouble or annoyance.

When my husband died, I didn’t really understand grief. I didn’t know how to manage it. Often, the words of “comfort” I got from other Christians made me wonder if I had enough faith. If I had enough faith, I wouldn’t be sad but would be celebrating. If I had enough faith, I would just keep on going. I often heard this verse:

“give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV

I couldn’t give thanks for my husbands death. Did that mean my faith was empty? Did I need to be happy and cheerful and not weep? Was I failing by grieving deeply?

The answer: NO. My faith gave me hope through the tears and pain. Faith allowed me to be thankful for the time and the family we had while still grieving the loss. Faith upheld me when I couldn’t stand on my own.

I have friends that are grieving today. Not the loss of a person, but the loss of something important and special. Anytime there is change, good or bad, there is a time of grief for what is no more. We may grieve the death of a dream, an idea or an expectation. We grieve when someone we greatly admire falls off of the pedestal and proves they are human. We grieve when something we love and have worked to support is irrevocably changed.

One thing I have learned to accept over the years is that I NEED to allow myself to grieve. No matter how important or trivial the issue is, I have to process it. I have to work through it in order to move on as a whole person. Not only do I need to grieve, I cannot feel guilt (or at times superiority) for my grief. My grief is not meant to shame or belittle anyone else. It’s my process and mine alone.

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6

No matter how broken things appear, no matter how helpless I feel, I know that God controls it all. There will be times when I need to sit and rest for a bit, catch my breath, and then start the journey again. I may cry bitter tears, but that’s okay. I have my eyes on the prize that God has set before me.

Peeps and my Grief

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Bunnies and Chicks

Peeps: you either love them or you hate them. My late husband loved Peeps. Any color, any flavor, any shape-he would eat them. My kids were never excited about receiving them at Easter. He was happy to eat their rejects.

The first spring after Terry’s death, I was in a store and the Easter Peeps were on the shelves. My heart jumped. Like a woman obsessed, I searched the shelves to be sure I had both bunnies and chicks in every color. When I unveiled my Peeps stash to my kids, they were bewildered. None of us ate Peeps. They thought Mom had lost it. Again. I couldn’t explain it. I just “needed” to buy Peeps just like I used to do, one more time.

I continue to buy Peeps at Easter. Not in the volume as that first year, but I still purchase at least a small pack of four. This year, my grandson and I bought purple bunny peeps. I explained to him that his Grandfather Terry loved Peeps. He had great fun stuffing the bunny peeps in plastic eggs. He saved the last one for me.

In the beginning, seeing Easter Peeps reminded how much I missed Terry. They brought me to tears and caused panic feelings. I bought them as a way to reach back and grab the memory of our life together. Gradually, the tears were replaced with smiles.

I still look forward to the Easter Peeps. But now, they bring joyful memories. I buy Peeps to remind me of the gifts of the past and the promise of the future. I can build new traditions with my grandson while honoring my memory of Terry.

Grief never disappears. It will always color everything in my life. Grief taught me about kindness and empathy. Grief opened my eyes to the love of my Heavenly Father in a completely new way. I’ve never been thankful for the pain of grief, but I am grateful for the growth grief forced me to do.

Peeps show up every Easter and remind me that “joy comes in the morning”. Joy and laughter have replaced sadness and sorrow. I think I’ll go enjoy a purple bunny peep. Happy Easter!

Humility, Grace, Acceptance

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“There but for the grace of God, go I!”

I used to hear this often. It was a way of acknowledging that another’s misfortune could be mine. It was admitting that it could be my young teen daughter that is pregnant. It was accepting that I hadn’t been caught in a legal web for my offenses. The phrase was uttered not in condemnation but in humility.

Today, it’s more often “Look! How terrible he/she is!” “How could that have been allowed that to happen?” “I would NEVER. . .” We are quick to point fingers, condemn others by what we’ve heard, and deny understanding or grace of any kind.

If the past few years have taught me anything, it’s that truly good and kind people get caught up in addictions and sins. It’s not their intent to be swallowed up, but it happens. They lose their family, their home, their way of life. In short, everything is lost because of that first step on a slippery slope.

It’s not my job, my responsibility or my right to condemn others. (And I’m really good at it!) How many times have I broken the law by speeding and not paid the penalty? How many times have I slaughtered someone’s reputation with no consequences? How many times have I watched a lascivious scene on TV and not even blinked? How many times have I been “too good” to associate with one of those people?

My choices do have consequences. I don’t always “get caught”, but there’s always the next opportunity. So, maybe the next time you see that person fighting for sobriety or in recovery, don’t be so quick to turn away.

“There but for the grace of God, go I!”

Cute as a Little Baby Owl

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We are in the midst of planning my daughter’s wedding.  She’s picked her dress and the colors.  The bridesmaids and groomsmen have been asked.  The venue and date have been booked.  We are working on the decorations, guest lists, menus and other details for her dream day.  But there is one element that will be missing and there’s nothing that can be done.  Her daddy will not be there to walk her down the aisle.    

The apple of her daddy’s eye, my Gracie had Terry wrapped around her little finger.  He doted on her.  My son loves to tell the story of his “favorite day”.   Normally, if there was a difference in what Zac or Gracie wanted, Gracie was known to come out ahead.  And, she had this little refrain that she would sing quietly to her brother “I always get my way.  I always get my way.”  On this day, she must have been a little louder and her dad heard the sing-song tune.  That was the day that Zac got to pick everything they did.  He got a pick of any treats.  That was the day Terry realized how easily Gracie could manipulate him.  She was daddy’s little girl. 

Gracie was fourteen when her dad died.  She’s lived longer without him than he was on this earth.  Both Zac and Gracie have tattoos to honor their dad.  Zac’s is a cross with Terry’s name and dates under it.  Gracie’s is a brightly colored sugar skull owl.  Terry embraced a phrase from the Radio Music Theatre in Houston:  “Cute as a little baby owl!”  A stuffed toy owl sat on the dash of his truck.  This toy was known to find its way onto the stage when Terry was involved in a skit at church.  You never knew where you might see it.  He would howl with laughter when it was discovered.  The owl has become our symbol for Terry. 

So, as we plan this wedding, I keep thinking about all the things Terry would be doing.   I try to find subtle ways to include his memory in the event.  And, I have a charm for her bridal bouquet with a picture of Terry and Gracie sitting on my mom’s sofa.  Gracie was in elementary school at the time.  Terry may not physically walk her down the aisle, but he will be there as I walk her to the altar.  On each table during the reception, there will be a small owl charm.  Most won’t know why, but those of us that loved Terry will.  Gracie loves brunch (just like her dad) and her wedding cake will not be as much cake as it will be waffles.  This day will be filled with laughter and love and a few quirky moments.  The daughter of Terry Benson would have to have those.  And, there will be a few tears as we remember and celebrate.

This November, when my beautiful red head walks down the aisle to her new husband, I suspect I will hear Terry’s voice say “She’s just as cute as a little baby owl” and maybe a little sing-song child’s voice chanting “I always get my way.  I always get my way.” 

Fit for Purpose

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Throughout my career, I have heard the term “fit for purpose.”  Basically, it means something that is designed for a specific purpose.  Guys on the drilling rigs were written up for using tools incorrectly:  a wrench as a hammer for example. I think of the times I’ve used a butter knife as a screwdriver, or the handle of a screw driver to hammer a small nail. It’s always best to use the correct tool. It’s safer and it’s often less frustrating. 

1 Corinthians 12 teaches that believers are meant to be “fit for purpose”.  

“You are Christ’s body—that’s who you are! You must never forget this. Only as you accept your part of that body does your “part” mean anything. You’re familiar with some of the parts that God has formed in his church, which is his “body”:  Apostles, prophets, teachers, miracle workers, healers, helpers, organizers, those who pray in tongues.  But it’s obvious by now, isn’t it, that Christ’s church is a complete Body and not a gigantic, unidimensional Part? It’s not all Apostle, not all Prophet, not all Miracle Worker, not all Healer, not all Prayer in Tongues, not all Interpreter of Tongues. And yet some of you keep competing for so-called “important” parts.”

Corinthians 12:27-31 MSG

I have seen so many new Christians burn out with the effort to become “important” in the church.  The excitement is overwhelming and the enthusiasm is palpable.  Unfortunately, they are often missing a true mentor to help teach and guide them.  They get caught up in being “busy.”  I have been guilty of standing back and watching instead of stepping up and helping to direct this new found passion.  Finding our “calling” or where are “fit for purpose” in the church body makes all the difference in translating enthusiasm into a standard of life. 

“Now God gives us many kinds of special abilities, but it is the same Holy Spirit who is the source of them all.  There are different kinds of service to God, but it is the same Lord we are serving. There are many ways in which God works in our lives, but it is the same God who does the work in and through all of us who are his.  The Holy Spirit displays God’s power through each of us as a means of helping the entire church.”  1 Corinthians 12:  4-7 TLB

1 Corinthians 12:  4-7 TLB

We all want to be seen and valued. But, do we all need to stand in the pulpit?  Do we all need to be “the star”?   Watching my kids and their friends grow to adulthood, I saw the struggle of one young lady as she desired to be the leader of the group. I also saw her frustration when another one of the group fell into leading so easily.   We have all witnessed the person who insists on performing during a worship service only to be wounded by the lack of response from the congregation.  How many times have we endured the “teaching” of one that seems to speak just to hear themselves and doesn’t know when to be quiet?   

“ But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of. An enormous eye or a gigantic hand wouldn’t be a body, but a monster. What we have is one body with many parts, each its proper size and in its proper place. No part is important on its own. Can you imagine Eye telling Hand, “Get lost; I don’t need you”? Or, Head telling Foot, “You’re fired; your job has been phased out”? As a matter of fact, in practice it works the other way—the “lower” the part, the more basic, and therefore necessary. You can live without an eye, for instance, but not without a stomach. When it’s a part of your own body you are concerned with, it makes no difference whether the part is visible or clothed, higher or lower. You give it dignity and honor just as it is, without comparisons. If anything, you have more concern for the lower parts than the higher. If you had to choose, wouldn’t you prefer good digestion to full-bodied hair? 

1 Corinthians 12:19-24 MSG

My home church meets in a movie theatre.  We would not be able to function without the setup crew. Early every Sunday they unload the equipment and set up the areas we use. And, then they tear it down after the services and load it back up. The host teams make sure the coffee is made, cold water is available and puts out the donuts.  When the theatre shut down during the pandemic, we were allowed to keep using the building.  During those months, some of the most important members were the ones that volunteered to clean the theatre.  Volunteers cleaned the restrooms, took out trash, swept, whatever was necessary to keep the building ready.   You don’t really see the people involved in these areas, but you DEFINITELY know when they don’t show up. 

“ I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn’t just a single part blown up into something huge. It’s all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, “I’m not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don’t belong to this body,” would that make it so? If Ear said, “I’m not beautiful like Eye, transparent and expressive; I don’t deserve a place on the head,” would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it.” 

1 Corinthians 12:  14-18 MSG

It’s a lot more fun to be on stage; to be known as the preacher, the singer, the teacher, the musician.  But not everyone can or needs to be in the spotlight.  Just as we protect our more modest body parts, we must watch our own egos to keep them in check.  We must find where we fit in the body.

We must be fit for purpose.