Our pastor and his wife, Kenny and Valerie Dean, talked yesterday about marriage. Central in there discussion was how hard marriage can be. I don’t think it matters how “in love” you are with your spouse, there are times you just want to quit and walk away. All through the Bible, marriage is used to show how much God loves us.
“God spoke: “Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature So they can be responsible for the fish in the sea, the birds in the air, the cattle, And, yes, Earth itself, and every animal that moves on the face of Earth.” God created human beings; he created them godlike, Reflecting God’s nature. He created them male and female. God blessed them: “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge! Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air, for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth.”
Genesis 1:26-28 MSG
“No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.”
Ephesians 5:29-33 MSG
As I considered yesterday’s message, i understood that people often treat their marriage the same way they treat God. We expect our marriages (and God) to be exactly what we want: all fun and happiness with no rough spots. Life is a beautiful rose garden with a fairy-God granting our every wish. However, it doesn’t take long to learn that the roses have thorns. God loves us, but He loves us through the trials. It’s only through the struggles that we learn trust and commitment. When marriage is all about what makes ME happy, the rough spots are inevitable. By loving my spouse IN SPITE of my feelings, I learn what true love is.
In our fast food, microwave culture, we have forgotten how to wait. If things don’t turn out the way we want, we find another option. We don’t have the patience to wait on God, so we stick around just long enough to glimpse the truth and then jump to something else. When I’m not happy in my marriage, I find other ways to get pleasure. The divorce rate in our country is indicative of this. If I hear one more person say “I deserve to be happy” I will scream! That’s a lie. Happiness is a decision not a right.
Time and time again we see evidence of the messes we make trying to “help God”. The unrest in the Middle East has its origins in such a debacle. Sarah helped God by giving her servant to Abraham. Ishmael was born the result. Sarah was mad when Hagar became pregnant and abused her. Hagar ran away to die.
“The angel of GOD said, “Go back to your mistress. Put up with her abuse.” He continued, “I’m going to give you a big family, children past counting. From this pregnancy, you’ll get a son: Name him Ishmael; for GOD heard you, GOD answered you. He’ll be a bucking bronco of a man, a real fighter, fighting and being fought, Always stirring up trouble, always at odds with his family.””
Genesis 16:9-12 MSG
How many times do we cause issues because we aren’t willing to wait? We jump from one partner to another trying to find love and happiness. We cheat and take what we want and then wonder why there is suspicion and heartache in our relationships. Sexual promiscuity is acceptable and dangerous. You have no idea what you will be exposed to in a single moment of pleasure. When you have convinced yourself that variety in partners helps you to grow into a better lover, you rob yourself of a truly intimate relationship.
“There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.”
1 Corinthians 6:16-20 MSG
I serve a jealous God.
“You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.”
Exodus 34:14 NLT
If my marriage is to be a picture of a my relationship with God, then I cannot venture outside of my marriage to find happiness. My joy and my happiness will be realized through serving God and loving my husband regardless of what’s going on in our lives. Through the good times and the bad, through the fun and the sadness, I will honor my marriage vows. I will honor my God.
. . . “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”
Ruth 1:16-17 NIV
We’ve all heard that phrase: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” I’ve said it to my own children when they were busily calling each other names or tattling on each other. But, I have recently realized, that this phrase has taken on a whole different meaning in my life.
My internal voice tells me that nice people never get angry, so there must be something wrong with me when I get irritated, annoyed or mad. I avoid situations and interactions with others that have made me angry in the past. Rather than confront the pain/anger, I’ve become very adept at “not seeing” those persons. I’ve been told that I don’t “do guilt.” That’s not at all true. I’ve just learned to hide all my guilty feelings. If I don’t see them, I don’t have to feel guilty for the way I feel.
This internal voice also tells me that nice people always agree and swallow their own differences for the sake of being nice and preventing others from being irritated, annoyed or mad. This has been a hard lesson for me. When I’m asked for my opinion, I usually give it. Why would anyone ask me if they didn’t really want to know what I thought? However, the vast majority that ask don’t really want to hear what I have to say. They expect agreement and support from me. I’ve been told that I didn’t know enough to have that opinion. I’ve been told to work things out within myself and “wrap my head around” an issue (meaning come to see “the right” opinion.) I’ve been threatened in work situations when I didn’t automatically agree. So, I’m very careful when it comes to being open with my feelings or opinions. It’s better to be stoic than honest.
My therapist once asked me what kind of animal I felt represented me. My answer was a possum. A possum is useful in getting rid of unwanted pests. A mother possum is a fierce protector of her children and carries them around with her. But, a possum is ugly. It slinks around in the dark. When confronted, it plays dead. But, I want to be a flamingo. A flamingo is beautiful. It spends time in the open, eating and just being beautiful. Flamingos are members of a flock, and raise their babies together. Everyone loves the flamingo.
I recently read a devotional taken from Joyce Meyer’s book, “Battlefield of the Mind” that said: “We should choose our thoughts carefully. We can think about what is wrong with our lives or about what is right with them. We can think about what is wrong with all the people we are in relationship with or we can see the good and meditate on that. The Bible teaches us to always believe the best. When we do that, it makes our own lives happier and more peaceful.”
I am attempting to rewrite my internal messages. I don’t think anyone should purposely hurt or offend others. Name calling is a childish behavior and should be avoided. I do, however, need to be honest. And being honest about my hurts and my feelings may not feel nice to others. I may not do some things in order to keep the peace or because it’s the expected thing to do. I may still avoid situations and interactions with others to avoid unnecessary confrontations. And, I refuse to feel guilty for putting my husband and children as a priority in my life. I will live my life to the fullest and stop worrying about the approval of others.
“I call Heaven and Earth to witness against you today: I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, he is life itself, a long life settled on the soil that God, your God, promised to give your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 MSG
When I was in a high school Home Economics class, I was frustrated by my inability to sew a perfectly straight hem on a summer top. I had ripped out sections and resewn it over and over. I remember Mrs. Brown telling me that it was “straight enough for an active teenager.” So, I finally stopped trying. Whenever I wore that top, I would look at the bright green stitching and see the stops and starts of that hem. It was an example of my struggles to be perfect. As an adult, I worked in a building that had mirrored elevators. I never enjoyed those elevators. The light was harsh and the reflection never looked as good in those mirrors as in my home mirror. As a result, I tried not to look at the elevator reflection. I didn’t like it, so I ignored it and looked the other way.
We all have ideals in mind. Perfect hair, a perfect body, the perfect relationship. We strive to be the perfect parents and rear the perfect family. I tried to be the best at everything. If I wasn’t sure I would be the best at something, I just didn’t try. Failure was not acceptable in my world. It’s easy to pretend life is perfect. Social media is quite handy when creating the “perfect” picture. If we could only ignore the mirror of truth!
Too often, when the realization dawns that this perfect world doesn’t really exist, the goal mutates. It becomes extremely important to maintain the illusion of perfection. We’ve all known the woman who posts about her perfect family with perfectly posed pictures amid the chaos of teen drug use and spousal abuse. You’ve probably had a conversation with someone about how much they dislike spending time with a dysfunctional parent only to see the “best parent in the world” posted on social media. Or maybe, you’ve been with that couple that profess to love each other and to be excited about their life together. But, they only complain about their partner in private. Truth is lost in the illusion.
I know how easy it is to fall under the spell of “the need for approval”. It is so very hard to keep the facade in place. I have worked to make sure those around me are content and happy. I have been known to jump through hoops to take care of things for my children. I have worked long hours and take criticism very personally even when it’s not meant to be. My desires often take 2nd (or 3rd) place behind those of my family members. All of this in an effort to be “good enough”. And more often than not, I fail.
With help, I’m learning that I am already “good enough.” I can only do my best. If others are not happy with my choices in life, I cannot change that. I can choose not to spend time with those that continue to manipulate with disapproval. I’ve learned so much about grace and forgiveness over the past two years. I’m learning to accept and even embrace what I see in my mirror.
Is your mirror cracked? Will you break free in 2018 and be the true and honest version of yourself?
“What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.” Ephesians 4″:25 MSG
November 2005 was an awful time for my family. In an instant I lost my husband. My children lost their dad. I had no idea what it would be like to grow up without a dad there to give advice and encouragement. I had my dad well into my fifties. As I took on the unwanted role of single mom, I wondered how life without Terry would effect Zac and Gracie.
There were lots of offers in the beginning, “If Zac needs a male figure just call me” or “We are here to fill the void”. But, when those times arose, no one seemed to be available. It was “too awkward” or “there’s just not enough time.” But, God provides. The coaches and staff at Mayde Creek High really stepped up to the plate. I saw men just care about my kids. In time, Zac married a wonderful young woman and has a great father-in-law. He’s become a great dad himself. We’ve shed tears on all of his big days as we’ve missed his dad.
Two years ago, I remarried. It was a hard adjustment for Gracie. She had been her daddy’s little princess and had worked with him on lots of sets for children’s church and VBS. Then, it had been just “the two of us” for so long. Chris Dittert was always there to give my daughter a “daddy” hug on Fathers Day or any day she just needed it. And there were others that tried to be there, but we had developed our own rhythm. Tim was not a welcome change in her view.
As time has passed, the two of them have developed an interesting relationship. Gracie has learned to lay floors, build cabinets, run electrical wire and install windows. Although she is quick to say “we were just fine before you came along”, she has accepted and (I believe) loves her step figure in her own way. It does my mom’s heart good to see her talking and working with Tim. They share common memories of Terry as well as looking toward the future.
Both of my kids miss Terry. He was and will always be a big part of their lives. God has provided wonderful memories of the past. And he continues to provide for our family today and for the future.
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten . . .”
Joel 2:25a NIV
My daughter looks forward to the pancakes at Cracker Barrel. Really, she just looks forward to the edges of the pancakes; the crispy browned edges are her favorite. But, when it comes to orange rolls or brownies, it’s the soft inner pieces that are the best.
Grief gives life crispy edges. Edges that are delicate and break easily. Edges that call to you at times. I prefer to live in the warm, protected center of life. That’s where my family is the safest and the happiest. That is where I search for my value and my worth. But, there are times, that I must venture out to the edges and taste the bittersweetness that comes with memories. Fragile memories that still have the power to break my heart. Precious memories that fade a little with time, but still stir up so many emotions when unwrapped.
Today is a day for the edges. Thirty years ago on this day, I became Mrs. Terry Benson. We set out on the adventure of life together. I see people talk about marrying their best friend and can’t help but wonder how they define friendship. Terry was indeed my best friend. We did everything together. We had one car for most of our marriage, so he drove me to work each morning and picked me up each afternoon. He packed my lunch for me. When the time came, he was a stay at home dad for our kids. He never complained about me to my family. He was only complimentary. He didn’t call me rude names behind my back. He was always uplifting and protective of me. He loved my family and never criticized my relationship with them. Even when things were rough with his own family, he never said unkind or mean things about them. There were many times that we disagreed and fought. And we always came to an agreement and forgave. Our marriage was more important that either of us as individuals.
So for today, I venture out to the edges that are crisp and full of memories. Today, I will savor the memories of the love of my early life, the father of my children. I know that these memories don’t diminish the love I have now for Tim. My past has prepared me to love him even more deeply. The edges remind me how fragile life and love can be. I know that I want to protect the soft center where my life and love currently exist.
Sometimes crispy edges are what we need. And, sometimes its the soft center that we desire. Life is made up of both.
When I was a teenager, I was told that I should never watch soap operas. The reason was simple: they portrayed lives that were not realistic. The women were always perfectly coiffed and dressed. The men loved to talk about EVERYTHING. Life was not that exciting or interesting. This was reinforced when I was touring Europe with the United States Collegiate Wind Band the summer of 1978. When the family I was staying with in Buitenpost, the Netherlands found out I was from Texas, they immediately asked how many oil wells were in my back yard. They watched “Dallas” on television and believed it to be the ‘real’ Texas.
Fast forward to today. We still have the fantasies created by television shows. And, we have added reality TV & social media to shape the way we view life. All of these work together to create an unrealistic view of what life SHOULD be and how we SHOULD be living. As a result, there are many, many individuals living counterfeit lives. They are busy making things appear as they “should” and avoiding the reality that is life.
Have you talked to anyone that is of dating age recently? Most of them talk of getting married, buying a home and starting a family. But prevailing wisdom of today is to live together. The reasoning is that you can be sure it will last without the “big” commitment. But the reality is “I just don’t think it’s worth waiting until I’m married”. I remember being asked about waiting for marriage as a 20-something. The question was “What if the sex isn’t good?” My response, “If I don’t have anything to compare to, how will I know the sex isn’t good?” I was also raised to value myself and to know that marriage is more that sex. It’s commitment and building a life & family together. I’m not saying that waiting is easy. It is definitely not! And, the further down the path you go the more difficult it is to stop. What I am saying is that anything you value is worth the wait. You save money for a house, instead of buying a tent because “all my friends are”.
Counterfeit living is grabbing for all the advantages of life without any of the real commitment. Counterfeit living is pretending you are married when you are just “shacking up”. Counterfeit living is escaping into something (alcohol, drugs, shopping, games, television, etc.) to avoid facing a reality you don’t want to see. Counterfeit living is pretending you value yourself, but willingly give yourself away for the illusion of “living the life”.
Reality can be hard. Reality may mean walking away from something you really want in order to grow into a better person. Reality may mean saying “No” to pleasures that you don’t want to miss, but realizing you are worth more than the momentary pleasure. Reality may mean giving up control for just a moment and allowing others to follow their own path. Reality may mean manning up and facing the life you have chosen without whining or tattling about the person you “love” so much.
When my husband and I were dating, I told him I just wanted to make him happy. His response was “You are not responsible nor capable of making me happy. I choose to be happy or not. You can only provide opportunities for me to choose happiness.” Not very romantic, but entirely true. If I’m looking for circumstances or people to make me happy, I will never get there. I must choose to be happy in the circumstances I am presented with at the time. Real life doesn’t always provide opportunities for happiness. But, when the opportunities do arise, they are marvelous. Because, I can know the opportunites are real and solid and I can trust them. I can choose to be happy. I can choose JOY! Counterfeit living will never provide that. Counterfeit living will only cause questions to arise: “Is this real? Will this last?”
And for me, the only way to cope with reality is to turn to my faith.
“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
“Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,and blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD.” Proverbs 16:20
There are many people who have successful marriages after living in premarital relationships. And, I know many of them also live with years of guilt because they didn’t stand up for their own convictions. They will always have that small question “Would we still be together if we had waited? Was I worth it?”
I challenge you to look at your own life. Are you living in the reality of life with all of its struggles and joys? Are your walls stripped bare for all the world to see? Or, are you living in a counterfeit reality with facades that need constant attention and repair? Facades that provide for more stress and less happiness? When I was able to allow the facades to fall, I found an entirely new reality. I found a reality where I didn’t have to the strongest or the smartest or the best. I found there is contentment in just doing the best that I can in this moment. I still struggle and at times try to hide behind the old walls, but I’m no longer trapped and afraid to be honest.
I am currently reading the book Seeking Allah, Finding Jesus. This book is Nabeel Qureshi’s personal account of his life as he went from a devout upbringing in the Muslim faith to find that Jesus Christ was indeed his personal savior. Throughout the book, the author talks of how simple it often was to shut down any Christian that tried to talk to him about faith in Christ. The reason it was so simple: the Christians had only a head knowledge of the “whys” of their own beliefs. They could not back up the normal rhetoric that is given to prove their beliefs.
I have been struck by many parts of this book. Most of all, I have to face that many of us cannot defend the faith we say that we have. Nabeel studied the Bible to be able to refute the usual comments. It wasn’t until he met someone who was willing and able to give him facts that Nabeel began to truly “hear” the message. On the flip side, Nabeel also had to come to terms with the fact that much of what he knew of his Muslim beliefs were based on what he had been told. Studying the Qur’an and other documents as he defended his childhood religion was very unsettling for him. Even though he have read the entire Qur’an by the time he was 5 years old, he didn’t know or understand much of the basics of his faith.
Nabeel Qureshi’s decision to follow Christ was not an easy choice. It took years to get to that decision. He had to weigh giving up EVERYTHING in order to follow the Christ of the Bible. This decision caused immense pain for both of his parents. In “Christianity Today”, he made this spoke about the effect his conversion had on his family:
“A few days later, the two people I loved most in this world were shattered by my betrayal. To this day my family is broken by the decision I made, and it is excruciating every time I see the cost I had to pay.
But Jesus is the God of reversal and redemption. He redeemed sinners to life by his death, and he redeemed a symbol of execution by repurposing it for salvation. He redeemed my suffering by making me rely upon him for my every moment, bending my heart toward him. It was there in my pain that I knew him intimately. He reached me through investigations, dreams, and visions, and called me to prayer in my suffering. It was there that I found Jesus. To follow him is worth giving up everything.”
I have to ask myself, “Would I do this?” I’ve lived a pretty easy life. Sure there have been bumps along the way, some of them very big bumps. When my first husband died, I struggled with my faith. I reviewed all that I said that I believed. And, I concluded that my faith in God was correct and real. But, I was never required to give up everything: my family, my core beliefs, the familiar. Would I do that? Could I defend my beliefs to another in a logical and cohesive manner? Would I be able to give details and truth? I wish I could give a resounding YES, but I’m not sure.
My family and I have been watching the Leah Remini show on Scientology. I often sit in astonishment at what people are willing to do and to give up for their beliefs in this “religion”. While reading Seeking Allah, Finding Jesus, I have a different understanding of the Scientology followers: they too risk everything for their beliefs. The difference? Nabeel Qureshi’s Muslim upbringing did acknowledge parts of the Bible and recognize some of the same people as Christianity (although differently), he had a basis to build upon when confronted for Christianity. He was willing to debate and discuss to prove his point. Scientology doesn’t allow any questions. There is no debate. It’s all or nothing. As we have listened to people who have left Scientology, it is so sad to see that most have still not found salvation in Jesus. How do we as Christians help to fill the void? How do we take steps in this tender and painful area of trust for people’s of any faith that are hurt and searching? Do we really care? Do we really want to step out?
Again, I’m not sure. It’s more convenient to throw a tract or book at someone than to interact with them in any depth. It’s emotionally safer to invite someone to church than to sit down and have coffee and talk over and over again. It’s easier to only communicate about God when you need something by asking for “a little prayer for _____” instead of getting involved with God on a daily basis with His people. It’s less intimidating to just mind my own business and let someone else do the hands on stuff.
I’m challenged. I’m struggling.
For you see, standing up for one’s beliefs to those in your closest circle of family and friends can be hard, especially if they don’t agree. It takes balance to lovingly rebuke those who claim to be Christian and do not live as such. It takes a measured patience to be ridiculed as “old-fashioned” and “out of touch” when you have lived and may actually have a basis for this “old-fashioned” and “out of touch” advise. The easiest road may not be the best choice and momentary laughter does not mean a lifetime of joy.
Nabeel Qureshi passed away after a year-long battle with stomach cancer on September 16, 2017 at the age of 34. His parents were helping to care for him during his illness. I am so fortunate to have his story from which to learn. He has touched and continues to touch many lives with his stand for Christ.
Would you follow?