I’m Tired

I’m tired.

I’m tired of the attitude of entitlement. If it’s worth having, it’s worth earning.

I’m tired of ego-centric people that whine and pout and tattle about others being “mean to me” when they do not get their way. Treat others the way you want to be treated ALL OF THE TIME and see what happens.

I’m tired of power hungry control freaks. You can’t control the world. Concentrate on yourself and let me concentrate on me.

I’m tired of the blame game. Take responsibility. Own your decisions, right or wrong.

I’m tired of excuses. Yes, our circumstances shape who we are. They do not control where we are going. Stop playing the victim. Grow-up. Move on.

I’m tired of hearing “I just want to be Happy” or “I just want to have fun” as an excuse to shirk commitments and responsibilities. Happiness is a decision you make in the position you already occupy. Fun isn’t a pre-requisite for living.

I’m tired of watching people purposely hurting others in order to make themselves feel superior. What happened to “If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all”?

I’m just tired.

Fraud

Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy. Psalm 94:17-19 NIV

Sometimes, I feel like a fraud. I tell people I’m okay, when the reality is that I feel the urge to crawl out of my own skin. I tell others how to deal with grief and how to begin to live a new life, but the world around me is just dark and sad. I’ve forgotten how to laugh. I assure others they can depend on me, but I feel as if I’ve been betrayed by my own emotions. I offer pep talks on how things will get better, never give up. I just want to quit; walk away and never look back.

I’ve been in this funk for about a month. After almost nine years, I would expect to be better able to fight off the demons of depression. Obviously, I can’t. I don’t know why I’m at this place again. Maybe, it’s caused by the reality that I will be an empty nester in the next few months. Or, maybe the unexpected reappearance of “a friend” in my life after a 5 year hiatus has knocked me off-balance. It could be my ongoing awareness of the embarrassment I create for people for whom I care. Or maybe, it’s just an issue with my need to have approval and to be in control at all times. Whatever the cause, I can’t seem get my arms around it.

I thought I was doing pretty good at concealing this stuff until Monday. A friend, someone who knows my heart, called my bluff. I’m not holding things together as well as I thought. So, now what? I’m beginning to wonder if stubbornly pushing through each day is the right choice. I’m tired of trying, pretending. I don’t want to cry every day. How do I get past it all, this time? Will I succeed?

I may not succeed, but I will not give up. I will continue to call out to my God for guidance and deliverance. I will look for the bright spots each day and cling to them in the darkness. I will remember how to laugh and enjoy the beauty of life around me. I will attempt to release my obsessions as well as my fear of rejection and disappointment. I will try to forgive myself for not being perfect. I will learn to rest.

I will get through this darkness. I know there is light. Somewhere. I will find it.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Control

I’m a control freak. I admit it. I want to know where we are going, how long we will be there and what we will be doing before I leave the house. While I don’t hate surprises, I prefer controlling the things around me.

So today, after dreading returning to the office and ending my Christmas vacation, I found myself quite calmed by the routine of work. Following days of almost frantic activity, the spreadsheets and formulas that filled my hours were very comforting. Numbers always add up the same way. They don’t break the rules. They don’t argue or get their feelings hurt. I can line them up and make the numbers tell whatever story I wish. Yes, I’m a control freak.

And that’s why I avoid new people and new situations and sometimes, known people and familiar situations. The risk of the unknown, the uncontrollable, often outweighs the attraction of social interaction. I don’t make phone calls because I begin to imagine the faces of boredom or derision on the other end of the line. I would much rather text as I find it much less intrusive. I love to go to dinner or to a movie or just to get coffee and talk with friends. And, I feel as if I’m being tortured when I’m the one extending the invitation. I’m no longer in control.

Every day is a struggle for control of the circumstances around me. I know there a balance between risk and control. But I often find myself opting for the security of riding the seesaw alone: better to stay on the ground alone rather than fly too high. I know I miss out on some excitement in life. But, I’m safe. And a little boring. You see, I’m a control freak.