For years I hated the new year. Each new year took me into another year without my husband , Terry. Truthfully, I wasn’t a fan of Thanksgiving or Christmas either. The holidays were just a reminder of what I had lost. For 10 years, I just survived the holiday months.
However, grief has taken a different role the last 9 years. I can now relate to the last chapter of Job:
“After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. And he also had seven sons and three daughters.” Job 42:10, 12-13 NIV
I now live in a blended family. My son and daughter have married & added a grandson. I am blessed with my “not the daughter” and her husband and son. And, I have gained a new husband, 3 kids and their spouses and 4 grandchildren. Life is full and busy. Love abounds.
I understand how Job might have felt. I still grieve the life that might have been. There are still seasons when memories of Terry overtake me and the tears flow. I will carry that grief forever as a part of me. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. It doesn’t go away. Time isn’t the magic healer of grief. The scars of grieve remain for life.
As unwelcome as grief can be, it has taught me much. I am a more compassionate person. I’m more thoughtful with what I say to others that suffer losses. I hold my family closer and treasure each moment. I understand 1 Thessalonians 4:13b more than ever: “do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” I grieve with the hope of eternity. I grieve knowing God’s plan is perfect. Grief doesn’t mean a lack of faith. Rather great grief is the result of great love.
As I look forward to the new year of 2025. I don’t know what it will bring. I look forward to living and learning and (I hope) laughter and joy.
This time of year, brings so many memories and feelings to the forefront. I love the fall themes: pumpkins, scarecrows & falling leaves. Even though it’s still very hot and muggy, there have been a few hints at the cooler weather that is on its way.
Next week is the 8th anniversary of my marriage to Tim. A little less than a month later, I will observe the 36th anniversary of my first marriage. This year, will mark 18 years without my husband of 18 years. It’s an odd feeling to realize that Terry has been gone as long as we were married.
Each of these anniversaries carries it’s own emotions. I am so grateful to have been blessed with 2 awesome husbands. As I look back, I have few regrets. There are however, things I wish I had done the first 8 years I was married to Terry.
I wish I had “read the room” a little better. There were a lot of family dynamics that I just didn’t understand. I viewed my in-laws through my own family experiences. It took a long time to understand and accept the way Terry’s view of marriage/family was shaped by his relationship with his parents. When we were first dating, we talked about being from similar backgrounds. Truthfully, the only similarities were 1) our parents were still married and 2) we both grew up in a Southern Baptist Church.
I wish I known more about ways of communicating early in our marriage. Growing up, my dad would say “If you have a chance, maybe you could . . .” I knew that this wasn’t really a suggestion and that he would be upset if it wasn’t done when he got home. So, I used this same method with Terry. The problem was, he also had his own communication training. His response to any request was “I’ll try.” For years, we when back and forth on things. I would make “suggestions” and he would “try”. Terry’s family screamed and threw stuff to make a point. I shut down when the voices were raised. We were both frustrated. I had to learn to state what I needed and he had to learn to be intentional.
I wish I had let go of my expectations sooner. In my twenties, I had my whole life ahead of me and I was certain I could handle it all. I was a women of spreadsheets and goals. And, I loved and married a dreamer. He had big dreams. He could write and create and I would get caught up in the hopes and dreams. And then, I would get angry when the execution of those dreams didn’t happen as planned. I wasted a lot of time being mad. When I finally took a moment to readjust my expectations, our marriage took a huge leap forward. Other people noticed the difference. I had to learn to support the dreamer that I loved by grounding our marriage in reality.
I wish I had been louder in my appreciation of Terry. He was a great man and a super dad. We made the decision early in our marriage that he would be the stay-at-home parent. He took a lot of grief from others, especially our families. He was viewed as “unable” to hold a job when the reality was this was our choice. He was deemed a failure by many. Those that didn’t know him assumed he was lazy or inept. Nothing was further from the truth. Terry was creative. He wrote plays and our church children’s worship curriculum. He loved being on the stage and could act and sing. He created back grounds for the children’s area that were phenomenal. The biggest compliment he received was many years after his death. Our son made the choice to leave a lucrative position to work from home. He told me “I want to be the dad to my son that my dad was to me!”
My current marriage has benefited greatly from these experiences. There were still some growing pains, but I came into this marriage with a clearer view of how hard marriage can be. Marriage in your 50’s is very different from marriage in your 20’s. Marriage with adult children has it’s own challenges, as well.
If I could give anyone in the first decade of marriage any advice, this would be it:
Find your own way to communicate. Men and women do not communicate in the same way. EVER. Yelling, curse words, door slamming are not effective. Find ways to make your needs known without being aggressive or demanding. Remember to say “I love you!” and “Thank You” and “Please”.
Learn to accept and appreciate your spouse’s contributions. Is getting things done “MY” way really the only outcome? If I constantly redo or criticize how my spouse does things (laundry, cleaning, family time), my spouse will eventually stop trying. Then what have I accomplished, really.
Perfection may be the goal, but it’s not usually reality. And, your views of what is perfect may not intersect with those of your spouse. Relax and let go on the minor things. Pick a few non-negotiables and drop the rest. The chore list may need to be abbreviated. Personal down time may need to be planned into the week. Find the balance so you don’t start resenting each other for what is demanded and/or not done.
Stop using the words “always” and “never” as in “You ALWAYS want to play games” or “You NEVER clean the house”.
Leave time for romance and each other. That sounds easy. But money is sometimes tight. When the kids are small, there is never enough time and/or energy. Even if you don’t feel romantic, make the effort. Go out once a month. If nothing else, pawn the kids off on the grandparents/friends and then go home and chill for a few hours. Speak up if you need a date night.
Do not hesitate to seek counseling. A third party can often point out the blind spots you each have. Going to counselling is not a sign of failure. On the contrary, it’s an indication that you intend to succeed.
Most of all, keep remembering WHY you married this person. The very things that are driving you nuts now, may be the things that were attractive in the beginning.
Marriage is a challenge. It takes every ounce of energy on some days. And, it is worth every moment of angst and joy.
I am blessed to have a 2nd chance with my blended family. I have learned to never take a moment for granted.
“When one of you says, “I’m on Paul’s side,” and another says, “I’m for Apollos,” aren’t you being totally childish?”
1 Corinthians 3:4 The Message
I grew up in a rural community in North Texas in a small Southern Baptist Church. Pastors didn’t seem to stay too long in our little town. They would come, do their work and then move to the next church. Four years was a long time in church years. We had summer youth director’s that came and invested in our lives for the summer and then went back to college to finish up and start their own lives. Rarely did we see or hear from them after they left.
Maybe it was because of the constant change, I came to realize that I was a part of my church not because of the pastor or the youth director. I was a part of the church because I was a follower of Jesus. While I was often sad when their time at our church ended, I knew that God was STILL a part of my life and I would continue to worship Him.
When I moved to the Houston area, the plethora of church choices was a bit overwhelming. Every denomination, large and small, surrounded me. I moved my letter to one church because I liked the pastor. He was well known and pastored one of the faster growing Houston Churches. But, I never got involved in the large metropolitan church. It was too easy to hide, too easy to get lost in the crowd. So, when another, smaller church came into my life, I jumped at the chance to join and be a part of the community. I fellowshipped and worshiped with my church family for 10 years under 3 pastors. I met my husband there. Both my children were born and dedicated while at this church. There were issues throughout that time. But our main focus never changed: WE WERE THERE TO WORSHIP GOD AND TO HONOR CHRIST.
My husband and I served on the staff of 4 churches during his lifetime. I saw people really focused on the Christlike goal. Unfortunately, I also witnessed a lot of politics and power grabbing too. We even took a break from ministry because of the politics of one particular congregation. That was a painful time. However, it reinforced my goal to seek Christ in my home church and not to focus on the leaders, the music or other members.
I know that a dynamic speaker will attract people. There’s nothing wrong with being a pastor and a great speaker. The run comes when the speaking (some would call it manipulation) is the primary goal and shepherding the ENTIRE family is not. I’ve seen churches founded and built on the abilities of the lead pastor to deliver strong and impassioned sermons. And, I’ve seen many of those churches fail when that pastor left or fell off of his pedestal.
So, I ask: WHO DO YOU FOLLOW?
When asked this question, do you talk about what church you attend or do you immediately say I follow Christ?
Do you follow a person that leads your church, your Sunday School, your Small Group, etc? Or, do you follow the risen Savior, Christ Jesus and go where He directs?
Do you depend upon the words of your chosen leader to guide you? Or, do you spend time in scripture and in prayer hearing what God would have you do?
Do you follow a leader that is concerned with getting the attention and the power? Or, do you follow a leader that points you to Christ and prepares you to grow and move in your own path of servanthood?
“But for right now, friends, I’m completely frustrated by your unspiritual dealings with each other and with God. You’re acting like infants in relation to Christ, capable of nothing much more than nursing at the breast. Well, then, I’ll nurse you since you don’t seem capable of anything more. As long as you grab for what makes you feel good or makes you look important, are you really much different than a babe at the breast, content only when everything’s going your way? When one of you says, “I’m on Paul’s side,” and another says, “I’m for Apollos,” aren’t you being totally childish? Who do you think Paul is, anyway? Or Apollos, for that matter? Servants, both of us—servants who waited on you as you gradually learned to entrust your lives to our mutual Master. We each carried out our servant assignment. I planted the seed, Apollos watered the plants, but God made you grow. It’s not the one who plants or the one who waters who is at the center of this process but God, who makes things grow. Planting and watering are menial servant jobs at minimum wages. What makes them worth doing is the God we are serving. You happen to be God’s field in which we are working.
We are in the midst of planning my daughter’s wedding. She’s picked her dress and the colors. The bridesmaids and groomsmen have been asked. The venue and date have been booked. We are working on the decorations, guest lists, menus and other details for her dream day. But there is one element that will be missing and there’s nothing that can be done. Her daddy will not be there to walk her down the aisle.
The apple of her daddy’s eye, my Gracie had Terry wrapped around her little finger. He doted on her. My son loves to tell the story of his “favorite day”. Normally, if there was a difference in what Zac or Gracie wanted, Gracie was known to come out ahead. And, she had this little refrain that she would sing quietly to her brother “I always get my way. I always get my way.” On this day, she must have been a little louder and her dad heard the sing-song tune. That was the day that Zac got to pick everything they did. He got a pick of any treats. That was the day Terry realized how easily Gracie could manipulate him. She was daddy’s little girl.
Gracie was fourteen when her dad died. She’s lived longer without him than he was on this earth. Both Zac and Gracie have tattoos to honor their dad. Zac’s is a cross with Terry’s name and dates under it. Gracie’s is a brightly colored sugar skull owl. Terry embraced a phrase from the Radio Music Theatre in Houston: “Cute as a little baby owl!” A stuffed toy owl sat on the dash of his truck. This toy was known to find its way onto the stage when Terry was involved in a skit at church. You never knew where you might see it. He would howl with laughter when it was discovered. The owl has become our symbol for Terry.
So, as we plan this wedding, I keep thinking about all the things Terry would be doing. I try to find subtle ways to include his memory in the event. And, I have a charm for her bridal bouquet with a picture of Terry and Gracie sitting on my mom’s sofa. Gracie was in elementary school at the time. Terry may not physically walk her down the aisle, but he will be there as I walk her to the altar. On each table during the reception, there will be a small owl charm. Most won’t know why, but those of us that loved Terry will. Gracie loves brunch (just like her dad) and her wedding cake will not be as much cake as it will be waffles. This day will be filled with laughter and love and a few quirky moments. The daughter of Terry Benson would have to have those. And, there will be a few tears as we remember and celebrate.
This November, when my beautiful red head walks down the aisle to her new husband, I suspect I will hear Terry’s voice say “She’s just as cute as a little baby owl” and maybe a little sing-song child’s voice chanting “I always get my way. I always get my way.”
New Year’s resolutions are a norm in our society. January 1st is a good time to “draw a line in the sand” and make life changes. Unfortunately, those changes often don’t last as long as the month of January. I know that goal setting is an important part of a successful life. So, how to we set goals that are attainable and that make it through the ENTIRE year?
“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”
Proverbs 16:9
My hallway view
I can’t begin the journey into the New Year without looking back. Actually, there’s a part of me that looks back every day. When I awaken in the morning, I see my husband and am reminded of the life we share. But, from my bed, I can also see a photograph of my life the way it was in 2005. It’s a photo of Terry, Zac, Gracie and me taken just a few weeks before Terry’s death. Each morning, I have the opportunity to give thanks for what I had yesterday as well as what I have today. Most goals begin with a look back.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19
While memories can be seductive, I cannot live in the past. There was a time when all I wanted to do was live in the past. I didn’t want to move forward. January 1 was a horrible day that marked another year of loss. Setting goals for myself was the only way to move forward. Simple goals were all I could handle: going to work every day; walking around the block; journaling every day. These very simple things were things that I could accomplish and enabled me to move forward with my life. I couldn’t change the past, but with God’s help, I could live in the present and influence my future.
“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?”
Luke 14:28
Some of the most common resolutions concern losing weight, getting fit, saving money, etc. The first quarter of the year is known as “the fitness season”. It’s during this time that people are most interested in getting gym memberships, buying fitness equipment, hiring trainers and other avenues of getting fit. It’s easy to set lofty goals. When you are trying to lose weight, seeing the scale drop only a pound in a week is discouraging. Yet, the healthiest and best way to maintain your weight loss is losing an average of a pound per week. Some weeks, the best you can achieve is not to gain weight. But, I know I get discouraged when there aren’t BIG changes to see.
Money Management is another good place to goal set. Its probably not be realistic to set a goal of saving a $1,000,000 this year. (Especially if you don’t have a net income of more than that!) But, there are ways to save. Having money taken immediately from your paycheck to a savings account is a no-brainer for me. I don’t have to think about it and the savings will add up. For me, I need a savings method that I can access, but not too easily. I have a small investment account that is accruing interest and dividends. The money is deducted each paycheck and I’m often surprised when I look at the amount I have saved.
“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”
Proverbs 16:3
One area of goal setting that is often overlooked is tithing. One of the hardest things for me to implement was tithing from the “first fruits”. I wanted to be sure that I had enough money to cover the month BEFORE I made my tithe. What I have learned through the years is the importance of making the sacrifice and tithing first. My husband is very conscientious about tithing on every bit of income we have. Being able to make an online payment has made this much simpler. We give the first part to God. Period. I truly believe that tithing should be an integral part of every believer’s budgeting plan.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Philippians 4:8
As I look at the possibilities of 2021, I have set a few new goals:
Daily goal setting and journaling. I’m not good at this. I’ve been through several classes that taught the importance of handling each day as an investment. This year I have invested in a Christian planner to use and I hope that it will keep me on track.
Read through the Bible again (or more precisely, listen to the Bible). I have started an audio study that will take me through the Bible in a year. It’s amazing to me the new things I learn each time I do this.
Find new ways to serve others. I will continue to serve on my church’s prayer team. I am also in discussions to begin a grief support group. I want to help support others who are dealing with the death of a treasured family member.
Build the “artist” in me.
Refine my watercolor painting skills with on-line classes, etc.
Continue to quilt and sew to create usable pieces of art
Learn to use my embroidery machine
What goals/resolutions have you made for 2021?
Have you subdivided your yearly goals into manageable monthly (or weekly or daily) pieces?
Will you be a more complete person at the end of 2021 by reaching your goals/resolutions?
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”
While scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, I see that many people have already put up their Christmas trees and holiday decorations. Many have stated that since Thanksgiving won’t be the same this year due to Covid, they want to move on to celebrate the Christmas holidays. I can honestly understand the sentiment. There was a time that I wanted to skip over the holiday season completely because it was just too painful. However, are we missing the real meaning of both Thanksgiving and Christmas?
When I think of Thanksgiving, I think of turkey, cornbread dressing, pumpkin & pecan pies and family. The holiday is about being together as a family. We trace our tradition of Thanksgiving back to the Plymouth colonists. Their first year in the new world was awful. They were hungry & miserable. The native Americans taught them how to survive. The first “thanksgiving” was a festival to celebrate their first harvest. Things were still hard, but they could see a reason to celebrate.
It wasn’t until 1863, during the Civil War, that Thanksgiving was proclaimed a national holiday by Abraham Lincoln. He requested that Americans ask God to “commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civila strife” and to “heal the wounds of our nation.” FDR signed the bill in 1941 to make Thanksgiving the fourth Thursday of November.
The Christian Church celebrates the birth of Christ during the Christmas holidays. Originally called Feast of the Nativity, it grew to become a a carnival-like celebration much like Mardi Gras. The Puritans did away with the celebrations and it wasn’t until 1870 that Christmas was declared a federal holidy in the USA. Americans began to embrace Christmas as the perfect family holiday. Christmas traditions were reinvented to fill cultural needs and pieced together from many other customs. St. Nicholas became Santa Claus. Rudolph became a symbol of courage and overcoming adversity. Charles Dickens, Washington Irving & Clement Clarke Moore have had more influence on the traditions that we celebrate at Christmas than Matthew, Mark , Luke or John.
I find it a bit troubling that so many are willing to skip right past the season of “giving of thanks” and jump to the season of “give me everything.” I know that in the frenzy to get everything “done” for Thanksgiving guests, I often forget to be thankful. We are already planning for Christmas. The only positive thing about Thanksgiving is time off and the Christmas sales that will commence. There are lists of what we want to receive, budgets for what we can spend. The stores have been shouting about the excesses of the Christmas holidays since October. The celebration of Christ’ birth is too often lost in the political correctness to which we now subscribe. I am SO guilty of this!
If the origins of this United States holiday is actually hardship, then wouldn’t it make sense that 2020 would be a super Thanksgiving year?
It’s been a rough year. Lives have been changed in ways we are still attempting to comprehend. The Covid virus has brought with the illness a true sense of panic and helplessness. Death hovers around every thought, every outing.
Isn’t it time to be thankful for what we do have?
Thanksgiving was meant to be a celebration of survival, to offer hope for a better future. Maybe we should be more aware of giving thanks and looking for our direction from God. Let’s take time to truly be thankful for any blessings we have. I for one will be grateful for my husband, my family, my home, my friends and my job. I will try to remember that every breathe is a gift from Him. In my moments of panic and worry, I will turn to God and remember His promises to me. While I am not guaranteed anything but suffering in this life, I will be grateful for the moments and look forward to my future.
When you pass throught the waters , I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over your. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2
“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord. “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Chirst Jesus.
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”
Jeremiah 29:11 MSG
I am the oldest of three children. I am also the first grandchild on both sides
of my family. I am the definition of “the
oldest child”.
There are lots of perks that come with being the
oldest. Hand-me downs don’t exist when
you are the first-born. As the oldest,
you get to do things first. You get the
undivided attention of your parents and grandparents when you are the only one.
But, there are some downers to being the
oldest. You are the first one that has
to learn to share – everything. You are
the “learner” child: your siblings get
to do things you were never allowed to do. And even though it’s nice to be the
first, it also means you will be the first to fail.
The first born has only adults with which to compare
himself/herself. Think about what an
oldest/only child sees: Everyone around
can walk without holding on or falling down. The only crawling seems to be to encourage the
baby to get up. You are being watched at
every moment, so you try to please. Communication is crucial and the praise
received is worth the effort. A first
born learns early that you don’t want to disappoint the big people.
The first born gets more attention. This is partly because the baby stuff is so
new, but also because the time is spent with just this one child. Just
look at photo albums or baby books. The
first child will have tons of pictures and a complete baby book. Child #2 will have a few pictures and a good
start on the baby book. Any other
siblings will just have to make do with a few snapshots and will be grateful if
a baby book was even purchased. The
first born will benefit from more time being read to and being taught at
home. Even when siblings are added, the
oldest child will continue to benefit from the time spent learning as a
group.
As soon as another sibling is added, the oldest child
becomes a leader. We know how it should
be done and will not hesitate to point it out to our younger siblings. We will be put in charge of our siblings and
reminded that we are “older” and therefore “more responsible”. Some will call this being a natural
leader. Others call it being bossy.
First born children tend to be perfectionists, leaders, good
students, and teachers. We are often
people pleasers that fear failing. I
never tried anything that I wasn’t pretty sure I would excel at. If there was a chance that I might look
silly, I did not attempt it. I was never
good at roller skating, mainly because I did not want to fall. It hurt and people would laugh. My younger brother was a good skater. Granted, he was black and blue from throwing
himself into the “experience.” But, he
had fun and enjoyed it. I would rather
spend my time with a good book or a logic puzzle.
I was always at the top of my class in school. Learning came easy to me. I wouldn’t classify myself as an
overachiever, I just did what came easily. My classmates that thought I had it
made. While others would be praised for
getting a “B” on report cards, I had to get all “A’s and A+”. Even an “A-“wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t until I was taking college classes
that I was really challenged. I had to
learn to study. It was hard to accept
that I might not be “the best” after all.
But, it was also in college classes that I found I could enjoy learning
without being the best. As a junior
accounting major, I had a class under Dean of the School of Business, Dr.
Lauderdale. He promised to weed out the
bookkeepers from the accountants in his class.
He was strict and had high expectations.
Our class size dropped by 50% as the semester commenced. Before our last final, Dr. Lauderdale looked
at me and said “You have a B in this class.
If you ace the final or not, you have a solid B. Don’t come to the final.” I have never been so excited to be told I was
a B student!
I still struggle with perfectionistic tendencies. This causes lots of anxiety in my life. I play scenes over and over in my head of how
I disappoint my friends and family. There
are days when I feel like I’m balancing on a pin cushion. When I am out of control or over-whelmed, I
protect myself with a veil of detachment.
I separate myself from those areas.
If they don’t exist, they cannot hurt me, right? My husband helps me to see past the veil and
to accept that I can only be the best that I can be. If someone is disappointed at my best
efforts, then that’s not my problem. Hurt
and disappointments are part of life. I
cannot avoid them.
I still don’t like to do anything without a road map. I want to know EXACTLY what is coming before
I step out. But, I’ve learned that is
not always possible. But these things I
know:
I CAN make phone calls when I must. (Many of you
know how much a hate to do that!)
I CAN meet new people and get to know them
without hyperventilating. (I still do
better in small groups.)
I CAN make decisions and live my life the way
God leads me. (Even when others don’t agree/understand.)
I CAN trust that others will love me. (Love isn’t earned, it’s given.)
I am the oldest of three children. I am the first grandchild on both sides of my
family. And, I am a beloved child of
God.
“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.”
Psalm 139:13-14 NLT
“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.”
Between my husband and I, we have 5 children between the ages of 20 and 30. Both of our boys are married. One of our daughters is newly engaged and planning her summer wedding. The other 2 girls are in their own relationships. We are surrounded with young love and wedding talk which can be very exciting. The talk of love and happiness is everywhere. Love is a wonderful thing. But, there are days when Love is just difficult. And it’s on those days that happiness seems to disappear. So, what makes it all worth it?
I married my first husband in my late twenties. We were young and in love and dumb. As the newness of newly wed life and the infatuation that accompanies it wore off, we found that love wasn’t always so sweet and happiness didn’t come easily. I didn’t particularly “love” that my husband artfully draped his clothing around our bedroom instead of putting it in the laundry hamper. He wasn’t very “happy” that I only washed what was actually IN the hamper and he had no clean socks. There were days and sometimes weeks when I wondered WHY I had decided to marry this man. We lived in a one bedroom apartment. He wanted to do EVERYTHING together. I craved my alone time. We struggled. I wasn’t miserable, but I wouldn’t describe our life as happy.
It was several years before I discovered the “secret” to true happiness. It wasn’t really that difficult either. I just had to decide to be happy in whatever situation we were in at that moment. I had to give up my expectations that anyone could make me happy. I learned that there were things that I had to sacrifice in order to build our marriage together. Instead of being irritated because I wanted to be alone, I was glad to have a husband who wanted to spend time with me and our children. I made it a point to seek out the reasons to be truly happy and content. When I decided to choose my marriage over my personal agenda, the change in our lives and our relationship was amazing. As much as I loved my husband, he would never be everything that I thought I needed. And, he was powerless to provide the happiness I sought.
When my husband died in 2005, I was confronted with such deep sadness. I didn’t think I would ever know love or happiness again in my lifetime. I was wrong. Even in the immense sadness of those years, I found moments of happiness. I became more intent on seeking out reasons to be happy and celebrate the moments. My children and I laughed at memories and tried new things. I learned that there can be great joy in the midst of deep sorrows. I once again decided that I would be happy even if I never loved another man. Some days were easier than others.
I married my second husband a little over 3 years ago. Our path to each other wasn’t easy. We both had struggles along the way. We both loved and lost. We came into this marriage with scars and (I hope) a little wiser. We know that every successful relationship requires compromises (aka personal sacrifice). He can never make me happy. He doesn’t have that power. We can offer each other experiences that bring happiness. But, ultimately, happiness is a personal decision. I love him deeply and passionately. The joy of our relationship is a blessing every day. There are still struggles. Every morning, I make the decision to choose my spouse over my self. I choose happiness whenever I see the opportunity.
My advice to the young and in love (or those wanting to be in love)? Find happiness within yourself FIRST. Then, and only then, will you be ready to tackle a lasting relationship. Infatuation will not bring lasting happiness. Identify that things that you “love” about the other person. (And don’t fall into the trap of saying he/she “Just makes me happy.”) I married my best friend. I trust him completely. We talk about everything. We have fun together. I know that he looks out for my best interests. Together, we find contentment that may not look too exciting, but it sure offers us many opportunities to decide to be happy.
“Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.” Ephesians 5:22-28 msg
Have you ever found yourself filled with loneliness while you are in a group of people? You look around at those surrounding you, but you don’t connect. You may not have anything in common with others in the room. Or, there may be underlying tensions that keep you separated. This kind of loneliness is difficult at best and isolating at worst.
As I have been thinking about the Christmas story, I began to consider the journey that Mary and Joseph undertook to get to Bethlehem. Usually it is depicted as a solitary and lonely journey: just the two of them traveling on a deserted road. But, this year it occurred to me that they were probably not all alone on that road. The entire Roman Empire was traveling to ancestral hometowns.
About that time Caesar Augustus ordered a census to be taken throughout the Empire. This was the first census when Quirinius was governor of Syria. Everyone had to travel to his own ancestral hometown to be accounted for. So Joseph went from the Galilean town of Nazareth up to Bethlehem in Judah, David’s town, for the census. As a descendant of David, he had to go there. He went with Mary, his fiancée, who was pregnant. Luke 2: 1-5 MSG
It’s quite possible that Mary and Joseph were traveling on a very busy road. There were very likely other relatives making the same trek. But unlike other journey’s that would be made as part of a large family caravan, Mary and Joseph were very alone on this journey. The reason is clear: Mary was Joseph’s pregnant fiancee, not his wife. Her pregnancy was an opportunity for gossip and judgement and maybe some shame and scorn from family members. We don’t really know details, but Joseph’s original reaction to Mary’s news gives us some insight into how this pregnancy was perceived.
The birth of Jesus took place like this. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. Before they came to the marriage bed, Joseph discovered she was pregnant. (It was by the Holy Spirit, but he didn’t know that.) Joseph, chagrined but noble, determined to take care of things quietly so Mary would not be disgraced. Matthew 1: 18-19 MSG
As I think about Christmas in 2018, I wonder, how many of us are surrounded by people but still feel totally isolated? There are many things that can contribute to the isolation. The normal tensions that exist within a family unit may result in a feeling of detachment. New family situations that result from death, divorce or a even new marriage may greatly influence the family temperament. A death in the family will make traditions either too precious to forget or too painful to observe. Each family member will react with different expectations or preferences. Melding or ignoring the new needs may create a strong resentment within the family. Divorce always stresses and changes the family dynamic and as a result the holiday season. When anyone within the family gets married, old traditions are stretched and strained. Now there are multiple family traditions and locations to be considered and blended. Seemingly small things like what food will be served, special church service attendance, multiple family gatherings as well the cost of gifts can become contentious. Hurt feelings and blame placing only contribute to feelings of isolation.
As I approached this 2018 holiday season, it was too easy to dread the upcoming holidays. This is just my fourth Christmas as part of a blended family that includes my husband, and our five adult children, two daughters-in-love and a precious grandson. We are still figuring out how to build our own family traditions. Trying to coordinate our blended family plans with their own extended family events can be overwhelming. I love looking for that perfect gift for each person in my family and it gets more and more difficult the older they get. And this year, I determined to enjoy this holiday time. This year, I will give full attention to my family and not be overtaken with self doubt and feelings of failure when I do not meet the expectations of others. I cannot keep everyone happy. That is a choice made by each individual.
This Year, I will focus on the celebration of the birth of my Savior.
“There were sheepherders camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God’s angel stood among them and God’s glory blazed around them. They were terrified.
The angel said, “Don’t be afraid. I’m here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David’s town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you’re to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger.”
At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God’s praises:Glory to God in the heavenly heights,Peace to all men and women on earth who please him.
As the angel choir withdrew into heaven, the sheepherders talked it over. “Let’s get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us.” They left, running, and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in the manger. Seeing was believing. They told everyone they met what the angels had said about this child. All who heard the sheepherders were impressed.
Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself. The sheepherders returned and let loose, glorifying and praising God for everything they had heard and seen. It turned out exactly the way they’d been told! Luke 2:8-20 MSG
Decisions are an everyday part of life. And every decision results in a consequence of some kind, good or bad. If I decide to turn off my alarm and sleep an extra 30 minutes, the consequences are rushing to get ready for my day and leaving the house a later than usual. For every 5 minutes later that I enter the freeway, I reap an additional 10 minutes in Houston traffic. Was that extra sleep really worth the added stress to my day and drive? Honestly, it depends on the day. But, usually, I regret that decision to stay in bed. And yet, I have this conversation with myself every single morning.
We all make decisions. We decide to do the dishes tonight or wait until later. In school, it was when (or maybe if) I would study for a test or do my homework. Every interaction with others begs a decision: will I be kind and respectful, distant and unattached, or pushy and rude? Sometimes a decision to NOT decide becomes your decision by forcing another to make the call. At least that way, I have plausible deniability, right? It’s not really my responsibility, because YOU decided this one. Why is making a decision so daunting at times? Even when it’s a “good” decision, we seem to fear the consequences of our very actions. Why?
Maybe this is what we fear: ME. My “personal preference meter” isn’t a very reliable source for making decisions. When MY happiness, MY comfort becomes more important than how it affects the ones that depend upon and trust me, the consequences may be difficult to live with on a long term basis. Our society has become more and more focused on doing what is makes “me” happy as the optimal decision bias. Even though reality proves that the “happiness” is fleeting and this temporary enjoyment could very likely lead to long term misery.
We’ve seen evidence of this all throughout the Bible: Eve chose to eat the apple; Abraham had a son with Hagar; David gave into his desire for another man’s wife with Bathsheba. There are examples in our lives every day: telling the “white” lie to cover-up; condoning gossip and back-biting in order to be accepted; sneaking around outside of your marriage to get some “excitement”. We have come to believe the absolute lie that we deserve happiness. Truthfully, no one deserves happiness. Happiness is a daily choice, NOT a destination. You can chase happiness, but you will not find it. And when our decisions are based on finding happiness, the consequences will be empty and quite often painful.
So, in this carnival we call life, when we choose all the fun and exciting regardless of personal morals or conscience, consequences can be overwhelming. Much like too much time on the Tilt-a-Whirl you are left off-balance, dizzy and maybe a little ill. When the excitement wears off and the happiness is no longer palpable, guilt moves in to fill the void. You can’t go back and undo your actions or unsay the words. You can only live within this moment. Eve chose the apple and mankind would forever have sin in our lives. The consequences of Abraham’s choice to have a son with Hagar are still being played out in our world. In an attempt to cover up his wrong decision, David would go on to commit murder and saw his own son eventually turn against him. But, in each case, these people continued to seek God. They were now on a different path in life and God would use them anyway.
We’ve all heard the saying “You made your bed, now lie in it.” The consequences will be there, even after forgiveness. We must choose to make better choices and decisions. Decide to move forward toward God’s will and plan for your life regardless of the current situation. Avoid getting caught up in the endless whirlwind of running toward the next “ME” moment. Accept the consequences and work through them. Look out for those who depend upon you and put their needs first. Make the decision to be happy today, where you are, even if you can’t understand how that could possibly happen. You won’t make an instant difference, but you will invest in the future.
Consequences, both good and bad are what we reap. Make your harvest one of which you are proud.
“Well, you’ve made your bed – now lie in it; you wanted your own way – now, how do you like it?” Proverbs 1:31 MSG
Melissa's Musings 