Category Archives: Uncategorized

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The Middle

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What happens when you wake up one day and realize that there’s no way around the fact: You are middle-aged? I know that 20 is the new thirty, blah, blah, blah. When you hit 50, there’s no denying it. You are on the downhill side of life. I’ve known people who hit their 40’s or 50’s and go thru the “middle age crazies”. They dump everything that’s been important: family, job, reputation, stability. The need to be young brings new adventures, new boyfriends/girlfriends, new family units and sometimes new jobs. It’s sad to watch lives implode with the panic that comes with middle age and the need to abandon everything “old”.

But, what happens when middle age hits and you find that you’re done? The kids are raised. Circumstances have ended that important relationship you hoped was forever. The job is just a way to pay bills. The days are just an excuse to get up so you can go back to sleep later. There’s not much left to do. What then? What if you don’t want a new family or new adventures? What if the best thing in the world is to sit safely at home on the couch with a kindred spirit and talk or watch a movie or play separately on your electronic devices? What then? Is it better to dump life before it has the chance to dump you?

There have to be new adventures out there that even the weary middle-aged person can attempt. There must be new joys each day to make the day worth living. There are better things to do than just drift along and wait for life to stop in for a visit. There must be. And, I’m going to find them.

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better dreams. . .

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We tell our children, “You can be anything you want to be!” And as children, we dream of being an astronaut, a doctor, a teacher, the president, a star, Cinderella, all sorts of things. We play in our make-believe worlds where mommy’s and daddy’s are always happy and the children smart and well-behaved. We stand in front of mirrors singing in to the hairbrush/microphone while we imagine wild applause from the huge audience. We dream about traveling thru jungles or space or living in the old West. We invent the best thing, cure the worst disease, save the most lives in our dreams. And, we imagine meeting Mr. or Ms. Right and falling in love and living happily ever after in our wonderful & beautiful mansion.

And then we get older. The dreams are squelched a bit by reality. It takes HOW long to become a doctor? Close quarters cause my claustrophobia to rage, so an astronaut it out. We see families disintegrate before us over lack of money and disinterest. We’re told we’re ‘average’ at best, so get the stars out of your head. And, we still imagine meeting Mr. or Ms. Right and falling in love and living happily ever after in our large family home.

And then we are adults and reality is harsh. We no longer dream about what we will do with our lives. We just get up each day and get thru it. We have moments of greatness in our everyday lives, but wonder where the loudly applauding audience went. We compete with our co-workers, our peers, our friends to be better: a better employee, a better parent and spouse, a success. And, sometimes, we meet Mr. or Ms. Right or think we have to settle for Mr/Ms ThisWillDo and fall into debt trying to live up to what the world says we have to have. Some of us struggle to have children. Some of us struggle to stop having children. Most of us struggle with our lovely, not always happy, sometimes well-behaved little darlings and all their wants and dreams. And we wonder where are our dreams? Is this all there is?

Often we get caught up in the race to get there (wherever “there” is) and we forget where we are. There are dreams still to be had. We just have to look a little harder. It may mean letting go of some expectations we have put out there. You will never live the life of Cinderella with her Prince. But who wants to live a life in glass slippers? They aren’t comfortable at all. Maybe simple and everyday is much more interesting and livable. So what if you never get your name in lights or invent some great cure? Can you say you lived your life well? Did you do the best that you could do?

Don’t give up on dreams. Find those places that made your dream and go there. There are God-sized dreams waiting. We just have to be ready to find them. And, dare to dream again.

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With the end in mind. . .

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Recently on All Things Heart and Home, (http://www.allthingsheartandhome.com/2013/06/12/whats-your-story/) the question was posed: “how do you want to be remembered. What is it that you hope to leave behind? And I began to think about the ending. What would I choose for people to say about me when I’m gone? What is my legacy?

When my husband died in 2005, my world fell apart. I don’t remember many things in the blur of shock and funeral planning. But, I remember walking out of the hospital room to a hallway full of friends. It was 2:00 in the morning, my kids didn’t yet know, but our friends were there. There were lots of hugs and tears in that hallway. And, I remember one friend saying “He loved you SO much!” In the days that followed, similar statements were repeated over and over. Terry loved God. Terry loved family. Terry loved the kids in his ministry. I heard from several moms how much their sons admired Terry for supporting them and cheering for them in place of their own absent fathers. I talked to hundreds of people at the wake and at his funeral, and the over-arching theme was: Terry Loved. And, he was very loved in return.

A few months ago, my dad passed away. As my brother and sister and a few of the grandkids sat with my mom and her pastor and talked about my dad, we shared laughter and tears and really good memories. I’m sure there were rough points through the years, but honestly, there were no bad memories. As people came to my parents home, to the funeral home, to the church and finally, to the cemetery, everyone talked of what a good man he was. He was a family man. He had integrity and honor. He was the “cool” dad. He loved us deeply and he was loved deeply by those who knew him.

Unfortunately, I’ve been part of less happy endings. I’ve seen ‘adult’ children do their best to slander their own father on the day of his death. Finding it necessary to bring up everything, real or imagined, that this man had done wrong. The fact that he had supported them financially and provided a home for them for many decades didn’t seem to matter. Family feuding had taken its toll. There was no talk of love. Few happy memories. The tension was palpable. Years later, the same tension was still evident at death of their mother. Armed guards were at the graveside service to make sure the handful of people who attended behaved themselves. What was the legacy? Relief. It’s finished. We are free.

I hope that my legacy is one of love and hope. That my children will be surrounded by friends and family and they will talk about all of the silly things we did thru the years.: the Houston cupcake tour, the trips to the zoo, my love of social media. I want to be the remembered as the”cool” mom, not just to the two kids I birthed, but to all the others that knew me as Mama Benson. The mom that may not have been good at keeping house or baking cookies, but was there when my kids needed me. I want my kids to know that I loved them to the depths of my heart. I want them to remember my focus on God was what kept our family going thru the best and the worst times.

When I was trying to decide what to put on Terry’s headstone, I looked for just the right statement to describe him. This was my choice: “He achieved success here because he lived well, laughed often and loved much.”

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So, this is how I want to be remembered:
1. I lived my life as a follower of Christ and I hope as an influence on others to do the same.
2. I brought laughter and joy to those that came into my life.
3. I was the cool mom that loved and cared for those that were around for the ride.

What legacy do you want to leave?

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Extraordinary

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We live in a world surrounded by the extraordinary. And we just don’t see it. Maybe it’s because we see it so often that it becomes ordinary even a little plain. When I take off my everyday glasses and really look around me it’s amazing

It’s only when something disappears that we realize how truly extraordinary it was. Large, heavy rain drops during a time of drought. The beautiful sunrise hidden by the buildings around us. The birds singing and chattering in the trees that is drowned out by iPods and radios blaring. Lunches that are packed with secrets and surprises and waiting to be eaten at work. The unexpected phone call or text just to say “I love you.” Sticky little fingers reaching for a hug. The symphony of voices greeting you as you walk in the door each evening. Friendly, easy conversations. A warm hug, just because.

Have you ever tried to fold a rose back into the original bud? Or marveled at how quickly the grass grows? Instead of complaining about the petals that are falling on the ground or the grass that has to be mowed, take time to look for the extraordinary. Don’t wait until it’s gone.

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Drifting

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When my kids were little, we would visit area water parks. At the time, there were 2 larger parks and then a smaller one on our side of town. The kids loved to go. They liked the slides and chutes, the faster and higher the better. My favorite parts of the park was the lazy river and the wave pool. There weren’t lots of stairs to climb or blind turns in the dark tunnels. And best of all, the water forced up my nose was held to a minimum. I just enjoyed drifting along in the waves, going nowhere in particular.

Drifting can be a relaxing and mindless activity. You just enjoy the gentle rocking up and down and let the waves carry you along. It works really well in an enclosed park. But, mindless drifting can get you into trouble in the ocean. Before you realize it, you can be further away from the shore than you ever intended. It’s easy to be totally lost with no idea where to go if you don’t pay attention. And the effort to get back on course is often exhausting at best.

Sometimes in life it’s just easier to go with the flow, to just drift along and do what comes easy. Then, I look around and wonder where I am and how did I get here? Often it’s the rush of the falling rapids of my life that get my attention. How do I get back on track with “the plan”? Is it even worth trying? And I don’t think I’m the only one. I’ve watched others drift past and wondered when are they going to realize the rapids are coming even as I ignore my own destination.

One of the few things I remember from the Franklin-Covey training I received many years ago was this: If you aim for nothing, you’ll hit it every time! When I allow myself to just drift along, I am choosing to aim for nothing. Dreams and plans require some effort. I have to open my eyes to the possibilities. I have to allow myself to dream even if those dreams may never be reality. Even failure is better than simply drifting. I have to stop retreating to the lazy river and make an effort to jump into the rapids. I need to take aim at life and with that the responsibility of where I’m going.

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New Beginnings

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The start of a new chapter and the end of an old one.

Looking forward to the future. Turning away from the past.

Tears of joy. Tears of sadness. Flowing freely together.

Memories completed await new memories not yet formed.

Life is a series if beginnings and endings, often mingling the joy of the new start with the regret of abandoning what was once important tinged with Regret for things not done.

“I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good thing,
therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow human
being let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not
pass this way again.”

Stephen Grellet, 1773-1855
French-born Quaker Minister

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Fall

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Here’s the deal. Five Minute Friday. You go find the little prompt at the wonderful Lisa-Jo’s blog, set the time and write for five minutes, and then just stop. Where you are, no edits, just publish raw words.

START

Fall…

I don’t like to fall. It hurts. So, I’ve always avoided anything that might include falling: skating, hurdles, climbing trees, etc. I’ve watched my kids throw themselves into all sorts of painful things. My son played football and I cringed every time he was hit. But, at least he wore pads.

And then there’s wrestling! Both my son and my daughter wrestled. They got on a mat with only a small amount of ear protection and wrestled for the longest six minutes of a mom’s life. I’ve seen more pain in the six minutes on the mat than in a full game of football. And my mom’s heart would stop every time my kid hit the floor. Because, the whole point was to get the fall. You worked your heart out to get the opponent to fall. Sometimes, you fall in the process. It’s all part of the grand scheme.

When did I stop working with all my heart to get my opponents to fall? When did I stop working against loneliness and self-doubt? I’ve got to stop being afraid to fall so that I can make my opponents hit that mat and get out of my life.

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Proof. . .

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I’m a math nerd. I admit it. I like the way numbers are consistent and tell the same story every time. Two plus Two will ALWAYS equal Four. I liked Algebra formulas. When it came to Geometry, not so much. While some people loved the graphing and seeing the little boxes appear, I often couldn’t see them. I knew they were there, but you never knew where they would be or what shape and I struggled to find them. But, give me a proof to write and I was in heaven! I fell in love with the logical order of proofs. Because that’s what they were: LOGIC. It was just writing down how I solved a problem, step by step.

Unfortunately, there are few things in life that are as consistent or logical as a geometry proof. I know there have been many times when I took all the right steps, but the result didn’t add up. Two plus two seemed to equal Five in my life. Yet, I still plan. I still over-think. I still set my expectations. And, usually that’s the problem: MY expectations.  I recently read this passage from “Bittersweet” by Shauna Niequist:  “I believe that faith is less like following a GPS through a precise grid of city blocks, and more like being out at sea: a tricky journey, nonlinear and winding.”  I don’t know about you, but I truly prefer the GPS option. 

 Psalm 27:14  says “Wait for the Lord; Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”  Jeremiah 29:11 states “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   Proverb 3:5-6  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Great verses.  So, why do I feel so undirected at times?  Why do I need a proof?  Is my faith too small?  Does it really matter?  Maybe, I’m just not ready to give up control.

The reality is that “stuff” happens all the time.  Not everything will go the way that I want it to go.  Even if I do everything to set it up the way I want it, things happen that are out of my control.  I have to be able to roll with the seemingly unfair circumstances that sometimes are a part of my life.  I don’t have a map to tell me what’s in my future.  But, I do believe that God is firmly in control. 

Two plus two will always equal four.  But for me, it may look more like this: 
2+2= (SQRT(9)+(0.5*2))*(2013-1959)-212

Unknown's avatar

Alone

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I tease my siblings that I was quite happy as an only child for 2 years. I liked being alone. It was special.

In college, being alone was rare. Even when I lived in my Own apartment, people came and went at all hours.

As a single adult, life was busy and exciting. Alone time had to be scheduled. There was so much to do that once a month I might get an evening to myself.

My first apartment as a new bride was a small one bedroom. As much as I loved my new husband, I looked forward to Thursday nights when he had to work. I got the whole apartment all to myself and time alone.

Alone time with toddlers was truly a challenge. On more than one occasion, I locked myself in the bathroom as the kids stood outside knocking and begging to get inside. I just needed to be alone.

When my kids hit their teens, my husband and I talked about what we could do with all the time we would have alone. The possibilities were endless.

Being alone terrified me as a new widow. How would I make it? I held tightly to my kids and dreaded the day they too left me. I didn’t want to be alone.

As I look toward the future, being alone is changing still. I will never be completely alone. I trust that God will continue to fill my life with new goals and adventures. My kids and family weave in and out of my daily life. Friends, old and new, come and go and dot the landscape of my life. In the dark of night loneliness still creeps into the room. But, it’s not as scary as it was.

I may even learn to treasure alone time again. Someday.

Unknown's avatar

Imagine…

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Here’s the deal. Five Minute Friday. You go find the little prompt at the wonderful Lisa-Jo’s blog, set the time and write for five minutes, and then just stop. Where you are, no edits, just publish raw words.

So, set your timer, clear your head, for five minutes of free writing without worrying about getting it right.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:::

Imagine. . .

Do remember what it is like to dream as a child?  To imagine anything is possible?  I so often wish I could remember how to dream and imagine.  Life sometimes robs us of the gift of dreaming.  Reality clouds out the possibilities.  Fear keeps us from looking forward to what might be, what could be.  As I’ve tried to find my God-sized dreams this year, I realize that I’ve forgotten how to dream.  Too many days of trying NOT to dream have seemingly extinguished my ability to dream.  I imagine excitement for the future.  I imagine believing there’s more than just today. But, I have a hard time looking past the next set of bills, or the grass that must be cut, or the shelves that need to be dusted.  And, sometimes, I’m afraid to look at the future and dream about what might be.  Imagine the pain that comes with unfulfilled dreams.  But, life isn’t about living in the darkness and hiding from the maybes and the what-ifs.  God has given us the ability to dream in Him.  We just have to remember how to do it sometimes.