Doom, Despair & Agony

Is that all there is?

I have a confession:  I’m tired.  It’s not too little sleep tired.  Rather, it’s mental and emotional exhaustion.  There’s too much being said, too much noise and no one seems to be listening.  The issues seem to circle around and attack again and again with no solution. I feel helpless and out of control. Does anyone else feel this way?

I’m tired of the constantly second guessing anything I say or do to be sure I’m not about to offend or upset ANYONE.  I recently witnessed a good friend attack a mutual friend on Facebook for a post that was meant to be a call for peace.  The attack wasn’t about the content of the post, but the motivation of the one who posted it.  The anger displayed stunned me.  And quite honestly, the pain I felt at seeing this attack was as real as if I had been slapped.  When did friendship become only for those that agree completely?  When did we lose the capacity to talk, discuss, debate and even disagree while maintaining a level of respect for our friend?

I’m exhausted by the basic selfishness of people.  Sometimes, I think the old rhyme I used for spelling has been changed.  It’s no longer “I before E except after C”.  The mantra now seems to be: “I before We and only for ME!”  Has common courtesy and caring are been eliminated?  The actions that we see highlighted day after day in the media (social and otherwise) would lead one to believe they are extinct or at least severely threatened.  Our world contains extremely selfish people.  I refuse to believe that they are in the majority.  So where is the majority?  How do we change the focus?

I’m drained by the politics of today.  I remember hearing State Representative Bill Heatly and Senator Jack Hightower give talks.  Even as a high school student, I was amazed at how little could be said with so many words.  I also knew there was great power wielded by both men.  Because, power is the real issue, isn’t it?  We fight about who has the most power, the most influence, and the best ideas.  Mud-slinging is a full time and expensive occupation.  No wonder very little gets accomplished.     At what point, do we as the electorate demand that things change?  When do we expect the posturing to end and the cooperation to begin?  There’s enough blame for all sides in this.  None of the parties or their figureheads are innocent. 

I’m worn out by trying to keep up with the “latest” pandemic information.  Truthfully, we won’t know the real data for many years.  Yet, we seem to have only two options:  1) total fear and panic or 2) complete dismissal of it all as over-exaggerated nonsense.  I do not want to live in either extreme.  Having grown up in the 60’s & 70’s, I’ve contracted and survived measles, chicken pox and mumps.  My small pox scar is still visible on my left arm.  I was a child during the Hong Kong Flu Pandemic of 1968 that killed over 1 million people around the world.  As an adult, I have witnessed the panic brought on by the Swine Flu, the Bird Flu, the Ebola virus and now Covid-19.  As a result, I take my annual flu shot as well as other recommended vaccinations.  I keep disinfectant spray in my purse, on my desk at work and in my car.  I wash my hands often and try to social distance.   I’m doing the best that I can and have no idea if any of it matters.

I’m weary of not being able to appreciate people as individuals.  I don’t care where you trace your racial heritage, how you dress, what god (if any) you choose to worship or your sexual preferences.  I want to know YOU.  What makes up YOU? If other topics come to light as we develop a relationship, that’s find.  But, I don’t need to know any of those things up front.   I want to get to know you and treat you as a person of value first and foremost.  And, I would hope to receive the same consideration.  I don’t expect that we will always agree, have the same thoughts or desires.  Our backgrounds may look similar or very different, and that’s what makes life interesting.  I want the opportunity to like or dislike you based on who you are at your center. 

I’m just tired.  I’m trying to be genuine. But, I’m drained by the accusations and the hatred that is spewed from every direction. When will the rhetoric be replaced with sincere dialog and meaningful action? Can we “fix” things and get along?

Gloom, despair, and agony on me

Deep, dark depression, excessive misery

If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all

Gloom, despair, and agony on me

Buck Owens & Roy Clark The Hee-Haw TV Show

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